Constant Conscious Contact?

There’s a lot going on here on Rainbow Mountain, both within and without our walls, or a little farther away but connected to one or more folks living here, and some days, I just don’t have time to write. One of the boys came home to live; another came home for a visit, though I was away teaching for most of it; the third is doing well, working in the city, living on his own and supporting himself. The baby, who’s not much of a baby anymore at sixteen and a half, is awaiting her Barron’s SAT study guide, the idea of which, I admit, brings tears to my eyes. My husband and I eye our garden daily, especially our tomatoes. I said a prayer earlier today thanking God for the grace to weather the many seasons of our lives, but please, could the late blight skip our tomatoes this year? I’m still trying to decide if it’s a selfish prayer. Getting late blight could infect our neighbors’ gardens, too, and spraying poisonous fungicides could leach into the groundwater and harm the critters down in the stream below our property.

The biggest “outside our walls” event happened during my last week of summer teaching. I put my mother in a nursing home.

Four years ago, after my father passed away, I talked with my mother about choosing a Power of Attorney. She was clear thinking then, though she was beginning to get a little forgetful, mostly in relation to words. She could describe something, but she couldn’t always find the appropriate word in her vocabulary to name it. She has three children, and for reasons that aren’t really important here, she chose me to assume the POA. It hadn’t been an issue until recently, though a few times, my siblings brought it up to me. Once, I considered permitting one of my brothers to assume it, even though I had to be reminded it wasn’t mine to give. I could feel an old familiar defect of character – wanting others to like me, not be mad at me – rearing up in conversations with him and his wife.

Two weeks ago, when I was hours from having to return to the city to teach (and remain there for three days), the situation with Ma became critical. She couldn’t be left alone, and though we had aides during the day, we had no one to stay with her at night. With one brother in another state, asleep, I assumed (he works the night shift) and another out of town for the day, I made the decision. This was, I felt, and the law recognized, part of the responsibility I assumed four years before. For her safety, I made the decision.

The following week, I got blindsided by the feelings of my two brothers. I’m much younger, two decades or more, than both of them. One is wanting to take over at least partial control of my mother’s affairs. The other is telling me I don’t spend enough time with my mother and I should put aside other things in my life to do so. I felt cornered, and I felt the urge to defend myself – which meant, of course, in my old, alcoholic way of thinking, pointing out to them their own shortcomings. A chemically or emotionally drunken me would have done just that. But God often does for me what I can’t do for myself, and my first impulse was to pray, which I did. God held my tongue. God didn’t hold my tears, or my desire to be seen in a favorable light, so I said things and promised things that later on became 10th step issues. I agreed to a lopsided visitation schedule. I live four times farther away than one of my brothers, and I’d committed to almost eight hours of driving a week plus the time I’d spend with Ma. I also promised to talk with my spouse, who’s an attorney, about shared decision making.

In prayer, I remembered a conversation I’d had with my mother about the Power of Attorney. She had her reasons, as I said, for wanting me to have it, and I didn’t have the right to disregard those reasons now because I selfishly wanted to deflect any ill will. And voicing her reasons would be breaking her confidence, not to mention further hurting a sibling’s feelings. So I prayed again. My brothers insisted the greatest concern was my mother’s health and health decisions that may need to be made when I was out of town. I called the nursing home only to be assured that the consent-to-treat papers were enough in routine situations; any serious issues, and I could be back from the city in two hours. I told the youngest of my two brothers this the following day and he seemed satisfied.

It continued to dog me, though, so much so that I felt resentful and still defensive enough to bring up ‘resentments’ as a topic at a meeting. I wrote about it, a sort of narrative fourth step, saying on the page all the things that I didn’t say when I surrendered my tongue to God. What I was leaving out was my part. So I had to go back to work and admit a few things that belonged to me, including withholding my forgiveness. I also thought of my husband’s words, when I expressed my desire to let loose and defend myself (“How will that help your mother?”) – so at one point, instead of speaking from my own limited point of view, I found myself asking my younger brother to tell me stories about Ma before I was born, which was pleasant for both of us.

Today, the three of us got together and pre-planned my mother’s funeral. Thinking about it last night, my head began to ache. I woke with the same headache, which persisted as I drove to the funeral home. I realized I was tensing up, waiting for another meeting like we had the weekend before. I had said to my husband this morning, “I’m not a child, and if I allow the actions of others to make me feel like a child, that’s on me, not on them. I will honor the commitment I made to my mother, and I won’t compromise that commitment because others expect me to do something other than what I know she wants or trusts me to decide for her. I’ll be mindful of their feelings, because I know they love her, not so they won’t be mad at me.” I thanked God for bringing that affirmation back to me.

There was no incident at the funeral home. There were no disagreements. When we parted, the brother from another state was going to visit Ma. I have the long-distance trip to the doctor tomorrow. The younger brother will receive a call from me if my mother agrees to attend a “coping with change” group on Wednesday, and we’ll both attend. And then, I’ll take care of some things that need taking care of at home for a few days before my next visit. It’s enough for me to know that if I lived seven minutes away, I’d visit every day.

I remember learning the definitions and distinctions between the words constant and continual when I was younger. Continual means occurring frequently and regularly; constant means without ceasing. If I prayed in the morning and again at night, I’d be praying continually. In difficult situations like this, with an aging parent and three siblings who never were very close, I accept that I can’t know anyone’s heart but my own, and even then, it’s only through prayer and constant conscious contact with my Higher Power that I can know and see the truth in my own heart. Do I maintain constant conscious contact? I wish I could say I do. I know that when I invite God into situations that are difficult and fearful, when I ask for my consciousness to be guided by God rather than by me, those situations are a lot easier to deal with.

And in the last month, in the above situation and many others, I have yet to find it necessary to get drunk at anyone. Knowing the “me” of three quarters of a decade ago, that’s pretty significant progress.

Peace & Love,
Jody K.

A.A. International Convention in San Antonio - a Giving Opportunity

For the thousands who will soon attend the A.A. International Convention in San Antonio, how about going there with something to give! Learn the origins of Alcoholics Anonymous. Ask others what they know. Inform those who hunger for more. And let them get a full, accurate, concise picture of the origins, founding, original program, and astonishing successes of the pioneer program founded in Akron in 1935.

I've attended the conventions in Seattle, Minneapolis, and San Diego; and I took the opportunity to pass along to A.A.'s archivist Frank Mauser, to Dr. Bob's son Smitty and his wife Betty, to the managers of the Wilson House--Ozzie and Bonnie, to the Hazelden crew, and to many others the facts that I knew.

Brush up before you go. Acquire and take with you The Dick B. Christian Recovery Guide, 3rd ed., 2010; or even better, acquire and view the new "Introductory Foundations for Christian Recovery" class (www.dickb.com/IFCR-Class.shtml). Help those who are seeking God's help in recovery to see just how great a role that God, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Bible played in the recovery movement--before, during, and after the founding of early A.A.

dickb@dickb.com; www.dickb.com.

I came. I came to. I came to believe.

This pretty much sums it up for me.
by Rhonda O.

It was during my night in jail that I said my first honest prayer. I had no idea how my life had gotten in such horrible shape and I had nowhere to look but up. That was July 14, 2006. By the Grace of God I haven’t found it necessary to drink or drug since that day. I entered a 28 day treatment facility three days later and it was there that I learned about my disease and I learned of the Power of God.

On that plane ride to Florida, a man changed seats and came and set by me. His name was Henry from Alabama. Henry was a big, burly ole country guy. When he asked, “so what brings you to Florida little lady, business or pleasure”, and I responded with “drug treatment”, he nearly fell out of his seat. We talked a bit and when the drink cart neared our seats Henry asked what I would like to drink. I told him I was toying with a Jack and Diet. He said in his hearty country voice, “Not on my watch you don’t!” I’m like, “Henry, dude, I’ve known you like ten minutes!” He said he’d throw the biggest fit I’d ever seen on a plane if I ordered a drink. So when the cart got to us, I smiled and ordered a diet coke. It was at that moment that I realized God had placed Henry next to me. God doing for me what I could not do for myself.

When I completed my treatment program and was flying back home, I sat in that airport terminal knowing no one thinking ‘I could have a drink on the plane. No one would know.’ I boarded the plane and sat next to a professional looking woman. She asked, “so what brought you to Florida, business or pleasure?” I responded, “drug treatment.” She immediately took my hand and said, “I’m an inspirational speaker. Can I pray with you?” I remember this vividly. I remember me looking up and saying, “ok, ok!” God doing for me what I could not do for myself.

When I arrived home and jumped head first into AA, my eyes began to open even wider. I saw God working in other people’s lives and began to believe He would also be what saved me. It was very early in my sobriety that the obsession was removed. I know that it was not me who flipped that “off switch.”

I have worked diligently in my sobriety to improve my conscious contact. I begin each morning on my front porch in the quiet darkness with my coffee, a cigarette, and conversation with God. I thank him throughout each day for the little blessings that I’m finally able to see. I thank him again when I go to bed for another sober day and for the gifts He’s given me.

My biggest worry, as with most moms, is our 22 year old son, Anthony. He’s had his own journey with socially using and drinking. I’ve spent too many nights to count unable to sleep until I hear him pull in the driveway. A few months ago I heard a woman in a meeting saying how she no longer asks God to be with her children. Instead she thanks Him for being with them wherever they are. Thank goodness my ears were open that night.

Since that night I’ve been thanking God for riding home with Anthony in the wee hours of the morning. He’s a gamer and he and his friends play all night. This simple little change in my prayer has changed my perspective and I haven’t laid awake for about two months now. It’s amazing. This simple little suggestion has given me more peace than anything else in the program. I use this prayer of thankfulness on most every situation and day by day my fear is diminishing. I’ve never been more grateful and aware of His presence in my life.

I was taught in treatment to turn things over to God by writing them down and putting them in my God Box. Somewhere along the road to happy destiny I had this idea to create God Bags (marketed as Serenity Sacs). There’s something about writing down my worries and putting them in God’s hands that brings me peace and increases my faith. I made them for my sponsees as Christmas gifts and had no intention of selling them. Here it is two years later and I’ve sold them online all over the United States and as far as the United Kingdom. Guess God had other plans for me.

You can check out my sobriety-inspired creations at www.serenitysac.etsy.com.

Thank you God for bringing me to AA. Thank you AA for bringing me to God.

What I Learned from John R.

My favorite line from John's Step 11 post is "GOD has taught me again and again there is no hurry. AA has taught me that nothing is set in stone." What a relief these concepts can bring to me at any given time.

From his post Asking for Help my favorite line is "Practice, practice, practice. I need to ask for help EVERYDAY." Boy does that sum things up for me. When I fall down I must pick myself up, brush off my knees and try again. Over and over and over. This is just how life is. I need to ask for help because I can forget and that is when some of those negative character defects can peek through.

So how can I make use of this information?

Slow and steady wins the race is what I take from both of these posts. I am making use of this post just by reading it. It is the reminder, the help I need to remember to practice, practice, practice. By reading and responding to this post my thinking is shifting and I am getting what I need to stay sober in this moment.

Thank you John for your contribution to IOCC!

Asking for Help

I just read four different installments on Step 11 from my One Day At A Time/Al-Anon Daily Meditation book.

To this day I don't think I have attended an Al-Anon meeting, but I do cherish this book.

Some of the nuggets I was able to mine from these passages were:

• The battle of concentration vs. stray thoughts...

• The constant maintenance to weed our resentments and fear...

• Being aware of the Great Power available to us...

Awareness is a tough one.

Being aware of my own thought patterns can be very difficult. I find it easy to "see" other peoples "issues"; yet I cannot seem to manage my own. I hate asking for help. Why? I guess it's ego combined with a little shame. So, how do I overcome this?

Practice, practice, practice. I need to ask for help EVERYDAY. Another cool line I was able to extract from the Al-Anon book was: " I will accept HIS help in EVERYTHING I do."

Why do I need to feel pain before I am motivated to do something? I love reading and meditating on different thoughts or concepts presented in readings. The Big Book, the Bible, motivational quotes etc.; there are SO MANY powerful words and sentences to choose from.

Just today I was feeling a little down. Monday blah? I don't know, so I decided to make a phone call to another "friend of Bill's". The simple act of calling another person, thinking of another person does wonders for my connection with GOD and man. All of a sudden I don't feel alone. A "spiritual prescription" that needs to taken everyday - as needed. Prayer to me is making a call to GOD. He is never busy and always listens.

Somehow in those quiet times (prayer + meditation) things become clearer. Seeking KNOWLEDGE and POWER... RECEIVE GUIDANCE for our decisions...

Lastly I had a strong message delivered in my readings tonight, in the form of a question:

"Ask myself whether I have been able to solve my problems without help?"

If I could do that they wouldn't be "problems" now would they?

I think I'll keep asking for help, one day at a time.

Peace,

JR

Step 11 - Sought through Prayer and Meditation to IMPROVE our CONSCIOUS

That is a tall order. This April I celebrated my nineteenth sober anniversary, as I am writing this it's hard for me to fathom. In this moment (9:25PM a very pleasant 64 degrees - nice calm evening) writing a few thoughts about my life and experiences with meditation and prayer; I do feel close to my Higher Power.

I find myself seeking quiet time. On a typical weekday I'll get up around 5:00AM, start my coffee and wash any dishes in the sink. Since it's now May, the morning hours are filled with birds chirping and wonderful smells. Flowers, trees are bursting with a thousand shades of green. Walking the dog and doing dishes are a nice way to ease into the day.

From there I'll pour my first cup of Joe and gather my daily meditation books. I have five that I attempt to read everyday; one of the nicest things about where I am in my life is my patience for myself has grown. GOD has taught me again and again there is no hurry. AA has taught me
that nothing is set in stone.

On a really good morning I'll set aside 15 minutes for real eye closed meditation. My favorite scenario is to keep the lights off and light a few candles. For reading I use a solar powered desk lamp that somehow feels quieter. I read somewhere that the quietest part of the day is where the night meets the day. There is something there. I feel the same something @ meetings or when I am talking to another AA on the phone, or if I'm able to think about someone else and actually care about them.

Words very often fail me. I am so grateful to be sober and realize how lucky I am to be in this moment, enjoying the process of writing and reflecting on my ever growing experiences in seeking God's will for me. I know for sure his will is that I stay sober.

In my office I have a collection of crosses and crucifixes that I began collecting a few years ago. Do they make me feel holy, not really; but again there is something about them. There are so many different shapes and sizes, materials used places they have been gathered from... it's
like my re-charge zone. I feel safe in my home. I feel close to GOD and my family in my home. My wife taught me years ago that THIS IS WHAT MATTERS... friends and family.

I have so many books, prayers, beads, cards and I never seem to have enough. For thousands of years people have been praying and seeking. Why? What is it that drives people for answers or guidance or strength? My mother has prayed for me for years. I pray for her and my sister as
well as those I resent, those who are sick or who are struggling to get sober or who are just plain out there.

Another huge gift in my life is my church. To be a part of a community that accepts everyone and allows everyone to be themselves is a rare situation for me; or perhaps I am accepting myself and therefore accept others? It doesn't really matter. A few years ago I took my dog for a walk and my pastor, ( who lives on our block ) stopped me and asked me if I'd be interested in helping out the church's youth group. Well I did and have just committed to staying on for a third year. To be connected to young people in a church setting is amazing. I feel GOD through them, I am getting to relive some of my struggles through them and feel honored to be entrusted to help guide them. More importantly just be there.

Maybe that's the real trick in life. Just be wherever I am. No more running, hiding, pretending... just be.

All the best,

John R.

What I Learned from Randy F.

Read Randy's Post = Step 3

I printed this post and got out my hot pink highlighter to see what jumped out at me. I had three areas I seemed to key into ~ the self-will muscle, the science of meditation, the first step of learning how to relax our bodies.

Out of these three items the most fascinating to learn about was the science of meditation and I can make use of the self-will muscle and learning to relax our bodies.

What I learned from Randy is how powerful meditation really is. The proven science of how it can actually create new neural pathways, help heal our bodies, generate positive energy that touches every part of our body and others within 5-8 feet of us. This information alone is such encouragement to continue my path of meditation. To work hard on keeping those channels open.

How I can make use of Randy's post is to remember that "self-will muscle" and how it needs regular exercise to let go of the self-centered perspective. In practicing my meditation starting with Randy's suggestion of the first step in relaxing my body and can then move towards the exercise of the mental letting go. Letting go of the thoughts and allowing them to "float by."

Thank you Randy for helping me with my 11th Step practice!