Step 11 - Sought through Prayer and Meditation to IMPROVE our CONSCIOUS

That is a tall order. This April I celebrated my nineteenth sober anniversary, as I am writing this it's hard for me to fathom. In this moment (9:25PM a very pleasant 64 degrees - nice calm evening) writing a few thoughts about my life and experiences with meditation and prayer; I do feel close to my Higher Power.

I find myself seeking quiet time. On a typical weekday I'll get up around 5:00AM, start my coffee and wash any dishes in the sink. Since it's now May, the morning hours are filled with birds chirping and wonderful smells. Flowers, trees are bursting with a thousand shades of green. Walking the dog and doing dishes are a nice way to ease into the day.

From there I'll pour my first cup of Joe and gather my daily meditation books. I have five that I attempt to read everyday; one of the nicest things about where I am in my life is my patience for myself has grown. GOD has taught me again and again there is no hurry. AA has taught me
that nothing is set in stone.

On a really good morning I'll set aside 15 minutes for real eye closed meditation. My favorite scenario is to keep the lights off and light a few candles. For reading I use a solar powered desk lamp that somehow feels quieter. I read somewhere that the quietest part of the day is where the night meets the day. There is something there. I feel the same something @ meetings or when I am talking to another AA on the phone, or if I'm able to think about someone else and actually care about them.

Words very often fail me. I am so grateful to be sober and realize how lucky I am to be in this moment, enjoying the process of writing and reflecting on my ever growing experiences in seeking God's will for me. I know for sure his will is that I stay sober.

In my office I have a collection of crosses and crucifixes that I began collecting a few years ago. Do they make me feel holy, not really; but again there is something about them. There are so many different shapes and sizes, materials used places they have been gathered from... it's
like my re-charge zone. I feel safe in my home. I feel close to GOD and my family in my home. My wife taught me years ago that THIS IS WHAT MATTERS... friends and family.

I have so many books, prayers, beads, cards and I never seem to have enough. For thousands of years people have been praying and seeking. Why? What is it that drives people for answers or guidance or strength? My mother has prayed for me for years. I pray for her and my sister as
well as those I resent, those who are sick or who are struggling to get sober or who are just plain out there.

Another huge gift in my life is my church. To be a part of a community that accepts everyone and allows everyone to be themselves is a rare situation for me; or perhaps I am accepting myself and therefore accept others? It doesn't really matter. A few years ago I took my dog for a walk and my pastor, ( who lives on our block ) stopped me and asked me if I'd be interested in helping out the church's youth group. Well I did and have just committed to staying on for a third year. To be connected to young people in a church setting is amazing. I feel GOD through them, I am getting to relive some of my struggles through them and feel honored to be entrusted to help guide them. More importantly just be there.

Maybe that's the real trick in life. Just be wherever I am. No more running, hiding, pretending... just be.

All the best,

John R.

The Joy of Praying

As a member of the Jewish faith, I have been doing a lot of praying in the past few weeks. The High Holiday rituals include many prayers, most of them recited in Synagogue with the community. Some of the prayers express our repentance, some our commitments. Some prayers express our relationships, some our yearnings. Some prayers are solemn, some are informal. No matter what prayer I am reciting, no matter what emotion I am expressing, there is always a common thread to all my readings: The privilege of having a relationship with G-d. That privilege fills me up with Joy.

Joy can express itself in many channels. There is external joy that is very visual and easy for others to observe. When I dance, when I sing, when I laugh, when I smile -- I am producing tangible actions that accompany my joy, external cues to my inner happiness. Unfortunately, I can also be sad on the inside, and still be able to fake these external motions of joy. I also sometimes believe that I am happy, and act accordingly when in reality I am miserable.

Often I hear from recovering addicts who talk about artificial joy that comes from mood altering substances. The allusion that a plant, a drink or a pill can change my inner emotions from sadness to joy. In reality, only the most external layers of emotion can be altered so easily. Our inner feelings require hard work in order to be modified.

The inner joy, that comes from commitment and self improvement, doesn't necessarily express itself so easily. The inner satisfaction of doing the right thing is not always accompanied by a dance or a song. But when done right inner work produces inner joy.

As I share this with you, the High Holidays are right behind us, and we are entering the Holiday of Sukkot. This week we celebrate externally by dancing and singing, by sharing meals in the outdoors, and by carrying a bundle of plants around. At this time it is easier for us to feel the joy, but in reality the joy is available to us only because we did the hard work of repenting and recommitting during Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

This year I hope to achieve inner joy in my everyday life by doing the leg work that creates such joy. This year I will remind myself that prayer includes both the work and the reward. By praying right I get to celebrate right. By connecting my inner self with G-d during prayer, I also awaken my inner joy.

Happy Praying!

Rabbi Yisrael Pinson
CHABAD.ORG