God, I Can’t Hear You

“Prayer is not about changing God, but being willing to let God change us.” —Richard Rohr

I have been sober for nearly 13 months and, like most people in their first year of sobriety, I experienced an extraordinary spiritual awakening. Early in recovery, I recall telling my sponsor I had undergone my spiritual Aha! moment. What a joke. Leave it to a real alcoholic like myself to believe I had it all figured out before Step 1 was ever even completed.

In reality, the awakening did not occur at a particular time; instead, it evolved into something wonderful as time passed. I learned and lived the steps. The dark cloud began to fade; the desire to drink diminished over time; and the well-known term ‘easy does it’ started to make perfect sense. Indeed, it was an awakening: my spirit woke up from a long winter’s nap.

Step 11 in the Big Book says we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our communication with God. We ask for knowledge of His will and the power to execute it. While the Eleventh Step is a beautiful way of life, I believe it is often overlooked for the sheer magnitude of its meaning. Words like ‘prayer,’ ‘meditation,’ ‘knowledge of His will,’ and the ‘power to carry that out’ are overwhelming, especially to the alcoholic who has been spiritually dead.

Through daily prayer and pause, God’s whispers are loud and clear. I hear His words and witness His work throughout the day, but I must maintain a grateful heart to receive such blessings. If you’re having difficulty with Step 11, I encourage you to be honest with God. Ask Him to change the desires of your heart so they are in line with His. And, listen closely. You’ll hear Him in the words of a stranger, through the kindness of a friend or in the beauty that surrounds you.

According to page 87 in the Big Book, “We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems.” The Eleventh Step is really that simple. Put one foot in front of the other—He’ll take care of the rest.

Alison Broderick is a freelance writer who is passionate about carrying the message of recovery to those suffering from the disease of addiction. She lives in Marietta, Georgia with her husband and two boys, ages 8 and 6, and devotes much of her time to MARR—a non-profit recovery center in Atlanta that provides lasting treatment through gender-specific programs and therapeutic community.

Light of the Spirit

Yesterday I had a series of thoughts and emotions well up while at church. My 14 year-old son has just joined the choir and this made me think of my father. Richard James Rebbeck passed away on December 26, 2007 and I miss him very much. My dad and mom both participated in our church choir for over 30 years. Being immersed in a spiritual family can be a powerful and moving experience. I felt GOD amongst the congregation.

Attending mass has been a vehicle that allows me to get closer to my Higher Power. The “routine” of the service can easily be compared to a meditation. Singing, reciting prayers and even silent group prayers are all mixed together in a wonderful spiritual event. I have never been a “bible thumper” but recently I've found myself attracted more and more to its stories and teachings. A longing is present within me; and at different time’s increases in intensity and importance.

My favorite time of the day is between 5:00 and 6:00A.M.; it is usually very quiet and peaceful. Recently I've found myself wanting to write during these waking minutes. My meditation process is always evolving. The Big Book mentions that “we become much more”… I love that. We are becoming much more, everyday I am without a drink or a drug I feel is growth.

Sitting in my home office I am surrounded by images of family, symbols of faith, and words of encouragement... This too is my “church”. Breathing in and breathing out I practice remembering. Remembering how lucky I am; how grateful I am. My son asked me if I had any books on meditation the other night, boy do I! So many books, so many options on the how and how to… One I found and read recently suggested getting quiet, closing my eyes and focusing on the “Light of the Spirit” in my heart.

This A.M. I feel that Spirit in my heart. I love being sober and open to growth. I would like to wish everyone a full heart today. May the Grace of God enter your lives and allow you to feel loved and to share that love with those around you… He is here amongst us.

Keep Coming Back

By Kevin Griffin
www.kevingriffin.net

Renewal is built right into 12 Step programs, and it’s a foundational aspect of meditation. Every meeting ends with the admonition, “Keep coming back,” a reminder that the process of recovery isn’t about passing the finish line, but about living life “one day at a time.” Recovery isn’t about attaining some state of pure spiritual bliss, but of learning to face life’s challenges without running to a bottle, a drug, to food or sex or gambling.

Of course, the initial step of getting sober or abstinent is difficult. At that point, “keep coming back” might be all we have to hang on to. Maybe we’re nuts and it feels like we can’t handle it, but those simple words tell us that it’s going to get better. And it does. Our addiction is healed. When that happens, a lot of other great things will often follow: our relationships get better, our work life improves, our emotional state brightens. It all takes work of course, and often years of showing up, but once we’re clean and sober, we start seeing the improvement and that inspires us to keep going.

But life doesn’t stop. The First Noble Truth in Buddhism, the Truth of Suffering, says that life is difficult, that there are ongoing inner and outer struggles. A new year is often a time to confront some of these struggles. The holidays are often stressful and may trigger underlying addictions, so that when January 1st comes, we’re ready to renew our inner and outer spiritual work.

This is, of course, a cliché, the new diet or exercise regime, the New Year’s Resolution; and the rest of the cliché is that the resolution doesn’t last long. But if we are committed to a spiritual path, resolution and renewal of commitment is something that happens year round. And it’s not that we’ve “failed” when we have to renew our commitment, simply that the Truth of Suffering, which says that everything is impermanent and ultimately unsatisfactory, is operating.

The first step in renewal is honesty: I’m backsliding and I need to get it together. The second step is forgiveness: it’s natural that I backslide, so I don’t have to beat myself up, just get on with my renewal.

This past year I lost 17 pounds through a program of mindful eating. This morning I found that I’d gained 3 pounds over the holidays. Time for renewal. Before I lost the weight I rarely weighed myself, not wanting to get the bad news. But one of the things I learned in mindful eating is that I have to stay current with my weight or it slips away. I didn’t want to weigh myself today; I thought, “I’ll just wait till after the weekend when I can get my eating straightened out again.” But I did it anyway. Then I thought, “It’s natural that I gained weight over the holidays, and I know how to lose it, so I don’t have to worry or beat myself up.” At the same time, at the corners of my mind were the whispers, “You’re piling it on; you’ll never be able to lose that weight.” But I knew that voice, the voice of failure and self-hatred, and I put it aside.

After forgiveness comes the commitment: I’m going to renew my mindful eating program. So I reviewed in my mind some of the basics that I’ve used to limit my calorie intake without creating a binge/purge cycle.

Keep coming back doesn’t just work for addiction. It works for meditation, too. One of the most basic meditation instructions is “keep coming back to the breath.” On the moment-to-moment level, keep coming back is how you meditate: first with mindful honesty that the mind has wandered; then with forgiveness, because, after all, that’s just what my mind does; then, renewal, bringing my attention back to the sensations of breath again.

Keep coming back applies to my daily practice as well: I keep showing up on my meditation cushion each day, whether I feel like it or not, and whether it seems like it’s working or not.

Both meditation and recovery take longer than we want them to. Especially for an addict who wants instant gratification, the slow process of healing our lives and the gradual process of deepening our meditation practice just don’t seem to work. We can’t see the results quickly enough, so we don’t think anything is happening. But real change takes time. This is one of the reasons we keep track of how long we’ve been sober. We gain perspective over the years, both by watching our own progress, and especially by watching that of others in the program. They might not notice the incremental changes in themselves, but we do.

As I meditated this morning for the last time in 2009, I felt anxious and started worrying about the future. I have a new book coming out and lots of teaching planned, and I started obsessing about it all. Then I caught myself and thought, “What other perspective can I bring to this?” and I swung to an absolute, “It’s all empty, nothing really matters” view. That brought a feeling of sadness and negativity. I caught that and realized how unhelpful that was. So I asked myself, “What would be a Middle Way,” and I thought of appreciation. My life is wonderful. I have had incredible opportunities and success in my life; I have a wonderful family and home; my work life is very satisfying. Ahh. . . The renewal of sanity.

This is the most important ongoing process of renewal that I do, trying to keep myself from falling into negative mental and emotional states. All my other work, my program, my spiritual practice, mindful eating, my relationships, exercise, making music, and the rest, is really about maintaining emotional balance. Ultimately, if I’m not happy, what’s the point of any of it? When I feel myself going in a painful direction, usually anxiety or depression, I remind myself to “keep coming back,” first to the most basic thing: mindfulness of my present-moment emotional experience. This doesn’t mean trying to fix anything or do anything about it, just be present with it, trusting that mindfulness itself will begin the healing process. Once I’ve grounded myself in the present moment experience, I can begin to address the causes and conditions behind the current state. Is there something I’m doing or not doing that’s creating this negative state? Is there some skillful response I can bring, or do I just need to “rest in awareness” of the mood?

Staying in the present moment with all my experience is the most fundamental “coming back” that I can do. Life happens here and now. Ultimately my addiction was an attempt to run away from reality. So, my recovery means not just coming back to meetings, but coming back to life.