I shared at a meeting last night that it’s almost as though the thoughts in my head pre-sobriety came from a completely different person who has the thoughts in my head today. A long-timer said there’s a term for that: god-consciousness. When I respond with kindness instead of irritation, I’m inspired. When I think in terms of solutions to a problem rather than wallowing in the problem itself, I’m inspired. When I consider the feelings of others and how my speech and actions affect them, I’m inspired. When I tell the truth when a lie would be easier, I’m inspired. When I’m recognizing my connectedness to all things, rather than thinking in terms only of myself, I’m inspired.
I believe it was Emmet Fox who described the difference between prayer, meditation and contemplation. If I spend enough time practicing prayer (speaking) and meditation (listening), I will eventually come to a state of contemplation (conversation). That’s the ultimate inspiration. Being the human that I am, it’s good for me to share these inspired thoughts with someone else, as I am fallible and can mistake the voices of my conscience (or the voice of my HP) for my own selfish desires. If I am walking in prayer, and if I am keeping my motives pure, I can in time come to rely upon this two-way communication. And, again, being human, I will ask for human things, I will make selfish requests, and the response from my HP is in the realization that these things are not necessarily good for me or good for others.
I can be willful. I can want what I want, when I want it, and in this way, I block that two-way communication. If I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to a Power greater than myself, I must trust that Power in all things. To use my free will improperly and turn my thoughts to more selfish things denies that I am in the hands of that Power, and at that point, I have to rely on what I have all alone, without any help, and that’s not much. I proved that to myself over the first thirty-four years of my life. I take over, inspiration leaves me.
I must say in closing that I’m not very far along on this journey, and inspiration at this point is a little like my favorite radio station. When I drive through town and the buildings around me block the signal, I hear static, and sometimes, the station cuts out all together. When it’s coming in clear, I don’t always like the song that’s playing, and I might be tempted to change the channel, but I know that if I keep listening, the DJ will eventually start playing something else. And there are times that I’m out on the winding country roads, enjoying the scenery and feeling the progress toward my destination, and my absolute favorite song will come on. At those times, I crank the stereo as high as it will go and have a ball just singing along.