Listening to God

It continues to amaze me that after almost 3 decades of practicing the process of healing through the 12 steps, God continues to awaken areas of my being that does not understand or questions, as I have in certain areas of the Big Book. A big ah-ha moment came this week, and it has taken a bit time to settle into my soul and then my mind so I could share with you this awakening, this gift, God so generously gave me, regarding the 11th step.

‘When we retire at night…..’ following step 10 into step 11 as written on page 85 in the BB, after the statement ‘that we must go further,…’ and that includes prayer and meditation.

So why then are we asked on the next page, “When we retire at night…..” to review our day with specific questions? I missed this for so long as I have been so focused on ‘On awakening….” that would allow me to rely on God’s inspiration and intuition, prayer with others, reading spiritual materials, etc.

The answer is simple, at least now that I ‘got it’ and I feel a bit humbled with love to see just how long this understanding and powerful awareness has taken to receive. You see, somewhere I became so focused on the Wow of God, the harmonious dance of living following His will and wanting more of God and less of me that I forgot the power of a simple resentment and how they can build into armor of our heart, day after day. Eventually silencing His voice, as my heart in an area (not all areas) had become hard and my mouth was complaining, lacking gratitude, or behaving martyr-like, etc. Some days grateful and other days slipping in complaints as described above. That takes a deeply hidden resentment to pull all of that off.

Let me give you a simple and humbling example of my experience that taught me this lesson, and a deeper understanding as to the why of having a nightly inventory and prayer, before awakening to a new day prepared to connect with God, awaiting His inspirations and direction to go forth and serve Him and help my fellows. A bi-product, with prayer and meditation has also been to have an open heart and mind that allows God to help me honestly, humbly recognize when I am wrong, knowing this too is with His grace, Love and in perfect time.

I wanted a new dog, a puppy preferably, and one of a breed that was far more than we could outright afford, unless we saved our dollars to purchase this type of dog, one that really becomes part of your family and that is what I longed for. At Christmas, my mom gave us a ‘doggy bank’ and started our savings. I was thrilled as I realized we really could save for something like this, and I thought of the day we could have our puppy sleep and travel with us, never far away. Be careful, as they say, for what you ask for.

A few months later, a family friend asked me if we still wanted this type of dog, as she had a friend who had two and could no longer take care of them, and they were not puppies, they were apx. 3 and 4 years old. Of course, I talked with my husband (he would give me anything if he thought it would make me happy) and we agreed, as we had also prayed for the gift of this dog, believing God cares about all areas of our lives and our hearts desire.

We did not consider the financial cost, or their current health needs, and we jumped in eagerly anticipating the days of joy with our new dogs. I have never had two dogs at the same time, although I have had several dogs, and their passing was more painful than the last. This was an exciting time for us. Then their hair started shedding, and the vet checks were needed, or shots, special diet for allergies, and daily exercise, etc.

What happened to my former ideas? They were gone, as all I could see was dog hair all over my clean house. Yes, my house, my this and my that. Leaving the grooming, feeding, walking, etc all to my husband. Now, reading this you would think I was just entering my teens, but oh no, I am a grandmother. I tried to connect with them, but the resentment I could not see grew daily and I fell into remorse and guilt as my resentment grew my heart grew harder toward these innocent loving dogs. I forgot that underneath most resentment is fear.

Months passed and my husband finally said that it was up to me, as I had checked with this type of dog adoption and there were over 500 families! On this wait list. I replied to my dear hubby with “I just can’t take their shedding hair everywhere, and they need, and this cost ??, blah-blah-blah……..“all to avoid what was truly bothering me. I told my hubby that we needed to give them up for adoption, as it would be better for them (another manipulation As he lowered his head, in thought maybe, but then my concern became that he was going to be hurt by letting them go, as he had bonded with both of them and loved them. I could not go through with it, but I was in a dilemma; clean house (not the real reason for my resentment) or accept what it is and deal with it and find a way to bond with both dogs. They are in fact wonderful dogs, beautiful and well mannered. I wanted this type of dog breed for so long, we prayed, we saved and then God found a way to see that our hearts desire was met with being given two for free; as it cost us to take care of them as we would any other family member, food, shelter, doctors/vets, etc. However, my love for my husband would not deal with this deep resentment, as it had not been dealt with at all. The first part of prayer and meditation still eluded me and I continued to practice inventory at every other time, except before retiring.

So, on to prayer and meditation, this seemed silly on the surface, even so much so that I was concerned that sharing it with another would be met with the silliness of it all. Nevertheless, I followed directions in step 11, before I retired, I discussed this with someone, my resentment of two beautiful dogs, hurting my husband, and asked her to pray for me and for God’s healing and Grace to bring me relief of this resentment. She joyfully did so, listening with all of her attention and then praying over me. I felt relief, knowing God’s power is sufficient to remove this resentment and help me repair the harmed I had caused, do things differently and healing the fear that was underlying this whole thing. I slept great that night. I suspect both dogs did too, as they sensed something had changed. I woke to a new day and talked to them, not at them; I had new eyes. No longer were they in the way as I walked into a room, stepping over them, but real life beings that needed a kind and gentle word or touch. Their shedding hair, well it still whirls around the house and I have decided to manage this I simply need to mop our home a few times per week. No big deal for the return of their unconditional love and the happiness in the eyes of my husband, as he too recognizes change and accepts my amends. This results into relationship with God’s creation and in so relationship with the Creator of all that is good.

Now, I can connect and listen to God, as the resentment, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, was gone. I am connecting with both of our dogs and will not leave all of their care to my patient hubby, who never complained, but loved them until I could. Thank God for patient people in our lives.

I thank God for bringing us twice what we prayed for and simply wanted. God is good and generous indeed. My heart was scared to connect with yet another pet who will some day be gone. But for now, they can sit by me as I read my Bible, or commune with God. In addition, my hubby and I will walk them each evening together, a bonus for all.

I am very grateful for God’s patience and gentleness in showing me the errors of my heart. God always delivers truth with love. Now, I can be more assured of being a channel of God’s love and patience, as was given so freely to me.

Until next year,
Many Blessings,
Carol Ann Preston


carolannpreston(c)2010

Remembering Who We Are: a workbook
Carol Ann Preston, can be purchased at any online or local bookstore

‘Relationship Show’ with Carol Ann and Monty at www.take12radio.com
Listen 24/7 with a new show every Saturday

www.roomforhealing.com

Relationship

I am very grateful to begin this month sharing with readers again, especially with growth I have experienced over this past month specifically. I am experiencing joy that I have only known one other time in my life, when I had a profound spiritual experience (later thrown away with anger) and it is now 30 years later that my spirit is renewed and excited to be in relationship with Creator God, along with Jesus and The Holy Spirit; The Trinity.

I have shared in the past that I have longed for an intimate relationship with Christ throughout my life, as young as I can recall. However, I longed for no ordinary relationship, but an extraordinary relationship. I was lost most of the time, not knowing what my part was in relationship with Christ, believing He was present in my life and was ‘doing His part‘, but I was lost and returned to drowning the depth of this unfulfilled relationship, actually there was little to even call a relationship until the gift of good directions was offered to me via the 12 steps.

Once in recovery and my faith was beginning to be renewed, I poured myself (willing to go to any lengths) into the action required of me hoping the result would satisfy this longing in an intimate, loving relationship with God. (To avoid being redundant, when I mention God, this includes Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit as One, except when specifically discussing the One, as being One of the Trinity.) Over the course of the past 29 years, I have had a number of profound spiritual experiences, but never like what I am experiencing and understanding recently and today, knowing this will never end as long as I follow the must in the BB and continue to grow.

In addition, how perfect is God’s timing? As they say, “When the student is ready the teacher appears! “ So very true. I had to make some hard decisions, one that I have struggled with most of my life and that is my former Religion, the spiritual bondage I felt, along with my experience of ritual and duty over desire to be in relationship with God, as well as the little value I experienced as a woman/female; basically I had limited opportunities to serve based on the fact that I was created a woman. I have gone back and forth for years with some going to both extremes, until I finally took a good inventory of my relationship with the religion of my family, and decided it was not in harmony with the longing of my spirit to be walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe. Therefore, I left and after months of pondering where to find a spiritual family that is in line with my belief in The Trinity.

As God would have it through good decisions, action and trust, my husband and I met a wonderful couple who invited us to experience their Celebration and Worship of God. Wow, a celebration! I could not wait and off we drove, after considering this for a few months, knowing we could not bear the absence of a spiritual family, we went. Moreover, long story short, we continue to attend every Saturday night. Yes, Saturday night, and funny how we could not arrive timely to our former place of worship (3 minute drive from our home) and now we begin to prepare for our 2 hour round trip drive Saturday afternoon, excited to celebrate relationships with our human spiritual family and to praise and worship God together.

Now that I am current with just a few changes we have made, my mind open and my spirit trusting, eagerly learning and my mind being opened, as though a veil had covered it from understanding what my spirit knew; I experience Joy on a daily basis. Yes, deep and abiding joy, happiness, all of those wonderful things we are promised in the BB, as well as The Bible; the whole Bible, not just the New Testament.

These past few weeks have been a Jewish celebration, called The Feast of Tabernacles. A time celebrating God’s Glory. This is something I have never experienced, yet, once I understood how we could experience this celebration, I was willing and excited. I finally ‘heard’ in my mind and in my heart, that God wants to be with me, with us! Some of you may have known this for years, and I understood from a distant perspective that yes, God wants to be with us, not believing HE is now and present and yes, wants us to set aside time to be with Him. This is more than our regular morning prayer and meditation, but setting aside time to sing, read The Bible, share with each other God’s blessings and our hearts gratitude, inviting God to be with us. Now understanding that God also wants us to give Him the first of all we do and are, like the first part of our day, the first of our blessings, etc, leading up to Tabernacles.

I hope those of Jewish faith excuse my lack of explanation, as I truly want to share the new awareness and experience in my soul, that God is present in my life, and He wants to be with me. We experienced His presence each time in our Sukkah (a temporary shelter) and as little kids; we built ours inside of our home with a sheet, making a tent.

I have not experienced in truth and reality God’s presence that satisfied my longing for an extraordinary relationship until now. To share the intimate time we experienced with God is too precious and I do not want to set an expectation for you, other than what is written in The Bible. Simply believe He wants to be with you and let His Spirit guide you.

This is not a relationship just for weekends, or during holidays, but everyday God wants to celebrate life with us. His Presence, essence is now part of me, although I was happy before, a joy I have never known in this way, where my mind and my spirit are in harmony with each other and I am at peace. Grateful in a new way. I guess you could say I have been reborn, again. Who knew?

Today I am in relationship with God, understanding that Jesus wants us to also know God. I never understood Chris’ statements about providing Living Water (John 7:37-38) “On the last day of the feast, Jesus said in a loud voice, ’If anyone is thirst, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, streams of living water will flow from his innermost being.” Again, as though a veil as lifted from my mind, my soul is satisfied with Living Water and that is the everlasting presence of His Spirit.

Sadly, I did not expect much from God as one of my former core lies about myself, was that I had no value or worth, and today I realize that God wants to be with me, as I have value and worth because He created me. No wonder my expectations or hopes that God would want relationship with me, as that core idea was with me even until recently, and He relieved me of this lie in an instant.

Step 11 in the BB, page 85 states, “Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities.” How can we do so unless we are in relationship with His Spirit? We are given the expectation to expect God to inspire us and this will eventually become a working part of our mind. This is not an emotionally based relationship, it is mind and spirit. We are told in the BB, page 87, “We come to rely upon it” God’s inspirations, yet we have to be with Him as we would any other relationship, we have to show up, learn about who we are in relationship with, etc.

Lastly, the BB also tells us to make use of what Religious people have to offer, and suggests that there are also helpful books for us.
I pray that you too may come to expect an intimate relationship with God, and to continue seeking, along with the steps, guidance that supports your growth in relationship with God. We tell newcomers in meetings, that they never have to be alone again, well at 3:00am when everyone is sleeping and we find ourselves alone, God will never leave us and our dependence and relationship with God must be real.

The good news is God will meet us right where we are, as we continue seeking Him, He will satisfy the longings of our heart, and for me that was an intimate, alive and joy filled relationship with The Trinity. It is nice to begin to be in relationship with God, as my focus these past 29 years has been solely on Christ and now I am in relationship with The Trinity.

I look forward to your comments, as my intention is to share experience, strength and hope to support your continued growth in relationship with God.

May your day and night be filled with joy, as you experience relationship with God, Creator of all that is good.

Many Blessings,
Carol Ann Preston


carolannpreston 2010

Remembering Who We Are: a workbook
http://www.take12radio.com/ listen 24/7 to the Carol Ann Preston show on ‘Relationships’ with new shows posted every Saturday.
http://www.roomforhealing.com/

The New Book

I'm extremely grateful to be able to announce that my book, G-d of Our Understanding: Jewish Spirituality and Recovery from Addiction, is now available on Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/God-Our-Understanding-Spirituality-Addiction/dp/1602801533/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_1

Please go check it out.

If you want to help me make some noise about this book, here are a few things you can do.


1) Tagging. Scroll down to the book's "tags." Agree with all of the tags that you believe apply to my book.
2) Reviewing. Write a review of the book. If you are the kind of person who needs to read a book before reviewing it, please contact my office at taubbooking at gmail dot com and I'll send you a manuscript.
3) Buying. This is especially helpful if you are also buying a related book, because then it will say on the other books page that customers who bought that book also bought my book.


If you do buy the book, please be aware that it has just gone to the printer and that actual hard copies do not yet exist. From what I'm told, we should be holding the physical books in our hands in 4-6 weeks. Again, if you can't wait until then, email my office (taubbooking@gmail.com)and if you review the book, I'll hook you up with an advance PDF.

Rabbi Shais Taub
http://www.chasidicthought.com/

The Art of Forgiveness

By Rabbi Shais Taub

Last week, I spoke to an audience before Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) all about forgiving and being forgiven.

It was basically all Fourth Step stuff.

While speaking, I had an insight which I had actually not planned. I thought of another way of explaining why a tendency toward indignation is a sign of immaturity.

What is the first abstract concept that a child really gets a handle on? I mean, what is the first awareness that a child has beyond purely physical conditions like dark, light, cold, warm, wet, dry?

Justice.

Think about it. "She took my toy!" "Why does he get an extra cookie?" "They got to stay up later!" "It's not fair!"

Little children do not have the emotional tools to set and protect their boundaries, and so, in order that they not be taken advantage of, G-d gives them a sense of indignation. Children are suposed to be hypervigilant. But as we grow up and we learn how to take care of ourselves, we should lose our sense of indignation along with our baby teeth. It no longer serves us. It just holds us down. A major sign of maturity is when we can experience life's pain and not assume there is someone or something at fault that begs our condemnation.

WATCH The Art of Forgiveness by Shais Taub http://www.chabad.org/1296880

God of Our Understanding

Hello, IOCC Friends,

I wanted to share with you some exciting developments that have already come along in this brand new year.

Back in the Spring of '09, the work I was doing in Milwaukee was covered on NPR. At the end of the interview, I mentioned that I was writing a book on Jewish spirituality and the Twelve Steps which I really was. I just hadn't started actually writing it yet.

So, I emailed our very own IOCC Blog editor, Gwen R., and asked her if I could use the blog as a forum to start pounding out some of my ideas. Here's a post from this blog from 3.23.09.

This post actually became part of a central part of my book which contains several chapters explaining the implicit theology of the Twelve Steps.

Anyway, I just received the proofs for the cover. This is not necessarily a final draft but it's cool to see.

Thank you all so much for reading and literally PULLING the creativity out of me. Writing this book has been a tremendous opportunity to be of service and I have already benefitted so much, thank G-d, from it all.

Rabbi Shais Taub
http://www.chasidicthought.com

First or Last?

by Rabbi Shais Taub

Contrary to popular misconception, the Jewish New Year of Rosh
Hashanah does not celebrate the creation of the world. It celebrates
the beginning of G-d's relationship with human beings.

You see, this Wednesday night, September 8, 2010 at sundown, will be
the precise anniversary of the day that G-d created Adam and Eve.

The Torah says: "For six days G-d made the heavens and the earth and
all that is in them, and on the seventh day He rested." But of all
those six days, the one that G-d singled out to be His anniversary as
Creator is not the actual first day that the acts of creation were
begun but the day on which He made the human being.

Now, the first human being was called Adam. The Hebrew word for earth
is "adamah" and Adam means literally "from the earth." As the Torah
tells us, Adam was actually made from the dirt.

On the other hand, the name Adam is also related to the word "edameh"
-- "I will be G-d-like."

So which is it? Are we dirt or are we Divine?

Is there such a thing as Divine dirt?

It seems that the secret of being human is that we are the highest of
the high only when we embrace being the lowest of the low. Just like
we were created last of all the creations, and yet, it is only on the
anniversary of the day that we came into existence that G-d celebrates
creation.

It's sort of like the cycle of the year. You've got to get all the
way down to the very end in order to have a new beginning.

Rabbi Shais Taub
http://www.chasidicthought.com

A NEW YEAR

It's September, and it's my turn to contribute to IOCC. On the Jewish calender, we happen to be just eight days away from a new year. Rosh Hashanah (which this year begins at sunset on September 8, 2010) is the anniversary of Creation. It is a time for renewal and a time for taking stock.

In recovery, we are familiar with the major inventory of the Fourth Step and the continued "mini-inventory" of the Tenth Step. It is interesting that in the Big Book, the way it describes the Eleventh Step meditation is also as an inventory of what's to be done during the day ahead upon arising and of how the day was actually spent upon retiring.

In the days leading up to the New Year, we Jews have a custom of doing a yearly inventory.

When I look back at last year, I see a lot of changes. Notably, our family moved from Milwaukee, Wisconsin (where we had lived for six years) and relocated to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Soon after that, we were blessed with the birth of -- thank G-d -- our fourth child, a daughter named, Chaya Mushka (which literally means "the spice of life.") Professionally, the nature of my work has changed quite a bit and I am now more focussed on writing and speaking all over the world as opposed to staying in one place and building a community. On a very exciting note, my book entitled G-d of Our Understanding: Jewish Spirituality and Recovery from Addiction is due to be released next month. (I will, G-d willing, post more about the book later.)

All of these changes are blessings. Change is life. But change can be scary. And that's why we rely so much on G-d so that we may have the "courage to change." When we remember to let G-d do His thing, and we just focus on doing our thing, then change becomes much more fluid, much more peaceful. In other words, life's gonna change regardless. How I deal with change is all in my head.

Indeed, the Hebrew word Rosh Hashanah which literally means "Head of the Year" also means "Head of the Change" since the words for "year" and "change" in Hebrew are so closely related. This Rosh Hashanah, I ask G-d to help me have a "head of change" -- a head that is able to deal with the movement of life and not get entrenched in what makes me comfortable now or how I want things to be. Having a head of change also means being able to quickly let go of opinions that I fought so hard to hold on to. I ask G-d to give me the maturity to realize when my outlook has been wrong and to quickly, gracefully move way from old ideas and thoughts.

And I ask to be able to see what it is that I can change in the world around me. Although "fixing" has gotten us into so much trouble in the past, there's a whole lot that we can fix, too. I can be of use to others. I can make someone's life better. Not because I have the power to change things for other people but because G-d who has all power sometimes chooses me as His agent to bring help to a fellow human being.

May your new year be full of new things and may you enjoy every minute of it.


Rabbi Shais Taub
http://www.chasidicthought.com