As a member of the Jewish faith, I have been doing a lot of praying in the past few weeks. The High Holiday rituals include many prayers, most of them recited in Synagogue with the community. Some of the prayers express our repentance, some our commitments. Some prayers express our relationships, some our yearnings. Some prayers are solemn, some are informal. No matter what prayer I am reciting, no matter what emotion I am expressing, there is always a common thread to all my readings: The privilege of having a relationship with G-d. That privilege fills me up with Joy.
Joy can express itself in many channels. There is external joy that is very visual and easy for others to observe. When I dance, when I sing, when I laugh, when I smile -- I am producing tangible actions that accompany my joy, external cues to my inner happiness. Unfortunately, I can also be sad on the inside, and still be able to fake these external motions of joy. I also sometimes believe that I am happy, and act accordingly when in reality I am miserable.
Often I hear from recovering addicts who talk about artificial joy that comes from mood altering substances. The allusion that a plant, a drink or a pill can change my inner emotions from sadness to joy. In reality, only the most external layers of emotion can be altered so easily. Our inner feelings require hard work in order to be modified.
The inner joy, that comes from commitment and self improvement, doesn't necessarily express itself so easily. The inner satisfaction of doing the right thing is not always accompanied by a dance or a song. But when done right inner work produces inner joy.
As I share this with you, the High Holidays are right behind us, and we are entering the Holiday of Sukkot. This week we celebrate externally by dancing and singing, by sharing meals in the outdoors, and by carrying a bundle of plants around. At this time it is easier for us to feel the joy, but in reality the joy is available to us only because we did the hard work of repenting and recommitting during Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
This year I hope to achieve inner joy in my everyday life by doing the leg work that creates such joy. This year I will remind myself that prayer includes both the work and the reward. By praying right I get to celebrate right. By connecting my inner self with G-d during prayer, I also awaken my inner joy.
Happy Praying!
Rabbi Yisrael Pinson
CHABAD.ORG
10.05.2009
9.16.2009
Rewards and gifts of prayer and meditation
Rewards of prayer and meditation. First, let us consider some basic questions and ideas, as they will relate to this blog entry.
What is a reward?
A gift or compensation for an effort or action
Does this mean prayer and meditation are difficult or require substantial effort to gain a reward?
Yes. No.
For some, their personal connotation of these words will cause them to be difficult to achieve. These are folks who have allowed the words (prayer, meditation) to become entangle with and overshadowed by their perception of the word religion. These may be folks who have developed a general aversion to religion and are not aware that religion and spirituality are two distinct different things. Or possibly folks who have just never developed an understanding of spirituality. For others, over emphasis will make them difficult to achieve. These are folks who feel it must be done in just such a way or feel crippled by not “knowing how” to.
For others prayer and meditation are very easy, sometimes spontaneous, or just “natural.”
What is prayer?
Prayer is a directed, one-way communication with an outside force. We direct or thoughts or questions or concerns or requests to a specific entity. This is focused expression to a distinct spirit or group of spirits. For some it may be a “casual conversation” to (not with) their Creator. In other words, they are chatting with sincerity to their entity not expecting any exchange dialog. This may be to express concern or request guidance. To express gratitude for life’s gifts or beauty or to seek an understanding of something that troubles us.
What is meditation?
Meditation is a purposeful quieting of the mind with intent to focus deeply.
The focus may be on many different intents such as calming the nerves, relaxing the body, opening the mind to “answers,” receiving direction from a higher power, “installing” a concept or idea as a new belief or truth. Calming the nerves, relaxing the body and opening the mind are all part of the process into meditation; however, they may also be the single goal of that specific meditative session.
How must one pray?
The way that is best for them. Individual philosophies and religions often teach a recommended way to pray, however, there is no spiritual law that dictates how you must pray.
How must one meditate?
The way that is best for them. Again, there are many “suggested” ways to meditate, however, an individual can easily try them out to find what fits them best just as they would try a few pairs of shoes or pants to find which fits best.
So… what are some of these gifts or rewards that come to us through prayer and meditation?
Serenity!
There simply is no faster, more effective way to gain serenity than through prayer and meditation. Do you have to both pray and meditate? Not at all. In fact, prayer and meditation are separate functions. Prayer is a fast, at the moment communication with a higher power and can be achieved at any time. Whereas meditation requires time and the absence of any other activity. Both however, are very effective in gaining peace of mind and quieting the internal chatter, often called the “committee.”
For some this single, pure reward of serenity may only be brief following immediately after or shortly after prayer or meditation. For others it may be residual for several hours or even days. What I have learned is that the more frequently I pray for guidance and to express gratitude, the more residual and steadfast the serenity. The more regularly I meditate, the deeper the serenity.
The ingredients that combine into serenity are peace of mind, faith, acceptance, patience, tolerance and gratitude. Any one ingredient gives us a “bit” of serenity; however, the more of the ingredients that come together, the deeper and more fulfilling the serenity.
When we pray or meditate, we need to focus on each of these and seek them.
Each individual ingredient is also a gift in itself. In times of uncertainty, peace of mind is priceless. When we are in a hurry, patience and tolerance can be wonderful when we encounter others who have no need to be in a hurry.
Ideally, we should be praying frequently throughout our day and meditating 2-3 times a day. Praying for guidance in decisions, praying for guidance in living “in a good way,” and acknowledging gratitude for the special moments in our day (seeing a flower, seeing an animal, seeing a smile, opportunities to smile to a stranger, opportunities to do good things,..). We should pray gratitude for the things and people we have in our lives, and gratitude for our lives. We should meditate in the morning asking for guidance and the blessing of starting the day in a good frame of mind with good intentions. We should meditate in the evening and seek guidance and awareness of how to become a better person and for answers to our questions and awareness of our mistakes.
Hello my friend- it’s very difficult to live ideally! What we can do though, is make a conscious effort to live that way as best as possible. Work at becoming aware of opportunities to pray throughout the day and set aside time to meditate at least once a day. The gifts and rewards are priceless and the “effort” fades away as the practice becomes part of our life.
The rewards also include a wonderful transformation of our attitudes towards life and all things. In time there are less “problems” and more serenity.
The bottom line of step eleven is improving our conscious contact with our Higher Power and seeking to live the type of wonderful life that HP intends for us. We do this through prayer and meditation. We become better people. We experience life in a better way. We come to know a sense of serenity that baffles “normal” people.
By Wolf running with the Spirit Wind
What is a reward?
A gift or compensation for an effort or action
Does this mean prayer and meditation are difficult or require substantial effort to gain a reward?
Yes. No.
For some, their personal connotation of these words will cause them to be difficult to achieve. These are folks who have allowed the words (prayer, meditation) to become entangle with and overshadowed by their perception of the word religion. These may be folks who have developed a general aversion to religion and are not aware that religion and spirituality are two distinct different things. Or possibly folks who have just never developed an understanding of spirituality. For others, over emphasis will make them difficult to achieve. These are folks who feel it must be done in just such a way or feel crippled by not “knowing how” to.
For others prayer and meditation are very easy, sometimes spontaneous, or just “natural.”
What is prayer?
Prayer is a directed, one-way communication with an outside force. We direct or thoughts or questions or concerns or requests to a specific entity. This is focused expression to a distinct spirit or group of spirits. For some it may be a “casual conversation” to (not with) their Creator. In other words, they are chatting with sincerity to their entity not expecting any exchange dialog. This may be to express concern or request guidance. To express gratitude for life’s gifts or beauty or to seek an understanding of something that troubles us.
What is meditation?
Meditation is a purposeful quieting of the mind with intent to focus deeply.
The focus may be on many different intents such as calming the nerves, relaxing the body, opening the mind to “answers,” receiving direction from a higher power, “installing” a concept or idea as a new belief or truth. Calming the nerves, relaxing the body and opening the mind are all part of the process into meditation; however, they may also be the single goal of that specific meditative session.
How must one pray?
The way that is best for them. Individual philosophies and religions often teach a recommended way to pray, however, there is no spiritual law that dictates how you must pray.
How must one meditate?
The way that is best for them. Again, there are many “suggested” ways to meditate, however, an individual can easily try them out to find what fits them best just as they would try a few pairs of shoes or pants to find which fits best.
So… what are some of these gifts or rewards that come to us through prayer and meditation?
Serenity!
There simply is no faster, more effective way to gain serenity than through prayer and meditation. Do you have to both pray and meditate? Not at all. In fact, prayer and meditation are separate functions. Prayer is a fast, at the moment communication with a higher power and can be achieved at any time. Whereas meditation requires time and the absence of any other activity. Both however, are very effective in gaining peace of mind and quieting the internal chatter, often called the “committee.”
For some this single, pure reward of serenity may only be brief following immediately after or shortly after prayer or meditation. For others it may be residual for several hours or even days. What I have learned is that the more frequently I pray for guidance and to express gratitude, the more residual and steadfast the serenity. The more regularly I meditate, the deeper the serenity.
The ingredients that combine into serenity are peace of mind, faith, acceptance, patience, tolerance and gratitude. Any one ingredient gives us a “bit” of serenity; however, the more of the ingredients that come together, the deeper and more fulfilling the serenity.
When we pray or meditate, we need to focus on each of these and seek them.
Each individual ingredient is also a gift in itself. In times of uncertainty, peace of mind is priceless. When we are in a hurry, patience and tolerance can be wonderful when we encounter others who have no need to be in a hurry.
Ideally, we should be praying frequently throughout our day and meditating 2-3 times a day. Praying for guidance in decisions, praying for guidance in living “in a good way,” and acknowledging gratitude for the special moments in our day (seeing a flower, seeing an animal, seeing a smile, opportunities to smile to a stranger, opportunities to do good things,..). We should pray gratitude for the things and people we have in our lives, and gratitude for our lives. We should meditate in the morning asking for guidance and the blessing of starting the day in a good frame of mind with good intentions. We should meditate in the evening and seek guidance and awareness of how to become a better person and for answers to our questions and awareness of our mistakes.
Hello my friend- it’s very difficult to live ideally! What we can do though, is make a conscious effort to live that way as best as possible. Work at becoming aware of opportunities to pray throughout the day and set aside time to meditate at least once a day. The gifts and rewards are priceless and the “effort” fades away as the practice becomes part of our life.
The rewards also include a wonderful transformation of our attitudes towards life and all things. In time there are less “problems” and more serenity.
The bottom line of step eleven is improving our conscious contact with our Higher Power and seeking to live the type of wonderful life that HP intends for us. We do this through prayer and meditation. We become better people. We experience life in a better way. We come to know a sense of serenity that baffles “normal” people.
By Wolf running with the Spirit Wind
8.12.2009
Learning to walk a Spiritual Path
Living by Spiritual Principles
by David Lee Byrd – Adapted from “Living a Spiritual Life”
Building a spiritual foundation for life is a most difficult task for any human being. Our entire existence is from start to finish a physical experience. We come into this world innocent, dependent upon the comfort and security of our mothers’ womb. In a moment of time we find ourselves thrust out into a cold sterile room where our first experience is a slap on the rump which starts our little lungs pumping along with all the other bodily functions. Awareness?
We are totally dependent; our only pleasure comes in physical form. Nourishment, the touch of our parents, these are the things that bring comfort. Everything that stimulates us is physical/material. A warm bath, pictures on our walls of Winnie the Pooh, The voices of those around us.
Shortly we begin to explore, touching, tasting, smelling. Oh! The things to see, to discover, to experience. Television becomes a major source of input. Advertisements that bombard us with sexual innuendoes (physical pleasure), beauty products (physical enhancements), cars, clothes, homes and appliances (physical comforts), the pursuit of money and physical pleasure is deeply entrenched in our forming minds. The desensitization of human worth or value is common with the onslaught of violence, murder and power as depicted in movies and shows.
As we grow in body and mind we begin to experience disappointment, pain, fear and anger. We have not been prepared for this, we do not have the coping skills to properly evaluate and understand. We want to feel good about ourselves and the world. But all of the things we have been taught to value leaves us empty, hurting. We have been taught once again by television and society to seek instant relief. Many of us turn to drugs and alcohol (emotional band aids) for we find at least temporary respite.
We find no easy answers so we shut down. We ignore the emptiness. We turn to anger venting our frustration and pain. We attempt to fill our lives with more and more physical pleasures. None of these things work so again many of us turn to drugs and alcohol. They become our consolers, our comfort, our friend. Unfortunately they too turn on us creating more pain, anger and fear. So what do we do now?
The answer to this question is buried deep within you. It has been buried by all of the false beliefs handed down to us from lost generations. Buried by all the pain, frustration, disappointment, discouragement, ambivalence and apathy each of us has been subject to.
THE THREE KEY PRINCIPLE
Principles are guidelines for successful living. Developing the individual life principles below is but a first step towards developing a spiritual way of life. It is an essential step without which spirituality becomes merely a good idea without substance. The development must be approached in the same manner with which one would eat an elephant; one bite at a time.
Prayer
Patience
Perseverance
Courage
Commitment
Consistency
Desire
Determination
Discipline
Vision
Veracity
Vigilance
Hope
Honesty
Humility
Resiliency
Responsibility
Relentlessness
Forgiveness
Faith
Fortitude
Sobriety
Seeding
Sacrafice
Trust
Tenacity
Tact
Growth
Giving
Gooodness
Love
Loyalty
Longevity
Willingness
Wisdom
Worship
Once these principles have become personal characteristics or traits that are deeply ingrained in every aspect of our being we find that all obstacles, all trials and tribulations, all challenges are now opportunities for growth. Each hurdle overcome brings us closer to a place of peace and serenity. Fear and uncertainty no longer have a place in our hearts and minds. We walk with a sense of meaning, power, and confidence.
This state of mind and being brings us to a place where the two most important principles begin to take shape and form. These are the principles of love and newness.
LOVE IS THE GREATEST POWER KNOWN TO MAN
Love in action:
Loving yourself is manifested through the process of making good, healthy choices for your life. As we love ourselves we begin to eat right, exercise, embrace a sober life-style, get the proper rest, embrace growth/change, become responsible, surround ourselves with uplifting, encouraging, nourishing thoughts and encouragement’s.
Loving family members is displayed much the same way. When we truly love a child we encourage them to take care of themselves. We discipline them correcting negative behaviors. We sometimes must make difficult choices knowing that the easy way is not the best way. Love creates the energy or power necessary to remain steadfast in our efforts to teach our loved ones.
Love of our fellow man is again much the same. We love by being kind, generous, charitable, humble, understanding, forgiving, honest, trusting etc.
Love is displayed through our actions not our emotions.
It is necessary to remove all sexual experience from our definition of love.
The coupling of two people through sex is a wonderful experience and it most certainly creates emotional bonds. For a man and woman who are committed to each other it is the icing on the cake. It is an expression of the love (commitment) they have for one another, but it is not love in and of itself.
By removing the sex act from our definition of love we are able to see clearly how we can have love for our brothers and sisters. Man to man. Woman to woman. We can see that to love them means being helpful, kind, generous and most importantly honest even when it means placing ourselves in a position of vulnerability. In the position of being rejected, judged or condemned. When necessary, to give tough love.
There are many misconceptions (lies) that are perpetuated about love. One of the most devastating is that you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.
This lie is meant to hinder or completely stop us from expressing love.
Love by its’ very nature is a reward unto itself. We surely love ourselves when we love others. When you couple true humility with love, the act of loving becomes recompense in and of itself.
The surest way to enjoy the fruit of love is in the giving of it.
The human being is meant to continually experience growth. When there is no growth, unhappiness and stagnation follow which leads to decay and death. As you love others, experiencing the benefit of self-love, you will then begin to discover an energy, a drive to experience more and more the wonderful things life has to offer, this promotes and enhances growth.
LOVE THE ESSENCE OF GROWTH
We know how self-obsession has led to a life of misery and pain. Most of us have experienced being loved in wonderful ways but still finding that there was an emptiness within us that could not be explained. The truth is that regardless of how much were loved by others that emptiness will remain until we learn to love others.
Happiness and a sense of well being does’ not come in being loved. Rather it comes in loving.
WHEN WE TRULY LOVE SOMEONE WE DISPLAY
Patience
Kindness
Generosity
Understanding
Trust
Hope
Honesty
Perseverance
Gratitude
We cannot run out of love to give. Once you begin the practice of loving you will find that it is like a river. It cannot be depleted. The more you give, the more you will find you have to give.
Again, as we give love we begin to experience a life wonderful, full and joyous.
Remember that love is a sharing and a giving, quite the opposite of self-obsession. It is reasonable and logical to conclude that the results will be exactly the opposite as well.
NOWNESS
by David Lee Byrd – Adapted from “Living a Spiritual Life”
Building a spiritual foundation for life is a most difficult task for any human being. Our entire existence is from start to finish a physical experience. We come into this world innocent, dependent upon the comfort and security of our mothers’ womb. In a moment of time we find ourselves thrust out into a cold sterile room where our first experience is a slap on the rump which starts our little lungs pumping along with all the other bodily functions. Awareness?
We are totally dependent; our only pleasure comes in physical form. Nourishment, the touch of our parents, these are the things that bring comfort. Everything that stimulates us is physical/material. A warm bath, pictures on our walls of Winnie the Pooh, The voices of those around us.
Shortly we begin to explore, touching, tasting, smelling. Oh! The things to see, to discover, to experience. Television becomes a major source of input. Advertisements that bombard us with sexual innuendoes (physical pleasure), beauty products (physical enhancements), cars, clothes, homes and appliances (physical comforts), the pursuit of money and physical pleasure is deeply entrenched in our forming minds. The desensitization of human worth or value is common with the onslaught of violence, murder and power as depicted in movies and shows.
As we grow in body and mind we begin to experience disappointment, pain, fear and anger. We have not been prepared for this, we do not have the coping skills to properly evaluate and understand. We want to feel good about ourselves and the world. But all of the things we have been taught to value leaves us empty, hurting. We have been taught once again by television and society to seek instant relief. Many of us turn to drugs and alcohol (emotional band aids) for we find at least temporary respite.
We find no easy answers so we shut down. We ignore the emptiness. We turn to anger venting our frustration and pain. We attempt to fill our lives with more and more physical pleasures. None of these things work so again many of us turn to drugs and alcohol. They become our consolers, our comfort, our friend. Unfortunately they too turn on us creating more pain, anger and fear. So what do we do now?
The answer to this question is buried deep within you. It has been buried by all of the false beliefs handed down to us from lost generations. Buried by all the pain, frustration, disappointment, discouragement, ambivalence and apathy each of us has been subject to.
THE THREE KEY PRINCIPLE
Principles are guidelines for successful living. Developing the individual life principles below is but a first step towards developing a spiritual way of life. It is an essential step without which spirituality becomes merely a good idea without substance. The development must be approached in the same manner with which one would eat an elephant; one bite at a time.
Prayer
Patience
Perseverance
Courage
Commitment
Consistency
Desire
Determination
Discipline
Vision
Veracity
Vigilance
Hope
Honesty
Humility
Resiliency
Responsibility
Relentlessness
Forgiveness
Faith
Fortitude
Sobriety
Seeding
Sacrafice
Trust
Tenacity
Tact
Growth
Giving
Gooodness
Love
Loyalty
Longevity
Willingness
Wisdom
Worship
Once these principles have become personal characteristics or traits that are deeply ingrained in every aspect of our being we find that all obstacles, all trials and tribulations, all challenges are now opportunities for growth. Each hurdle overcome brings us closer to a place of peace and serenity. Fear and uncertainty no longer have a place in our hearts and minds. We walk with a sense of meaning, power, and confidence.
This state of mind and being brings us to a place where the two most important principles begin to take shape and form. These are the principles of love and newness.
LOVE IS THE GREATEST POWER KNOWN TO MAN
Love in action:
Loving yourself is manifested through the process of making good, healthy choices for your life. As we love ourselves we begin to eat right, exercise, embrace a sober life-style, get the proper rest, embrace growth/change, become responsible, surround ourselves with uplifting, encouraging, nourishing thoughts and encouragement’s.
Loving family members is displayed much the same way. When we truly love a child we encourage them to take care of themselves. We discipline them correcting negative behaviors. We sometimes must make difficult choices knowing that the easy way is not the best way. Love creates the energy or power necessary to remain steadfast in our efforts to teach our loved ones.
Love of our fellow man is again much the same. We love by being kind, generous, charitable, humble, understanding, forgiving, honest, trusting etc.
Love is displayed through our actions not our emotions.
It is necessary to remove all sexual experience from our definition of love.
The coupling of two people through sex is a wonderful experience and it most certainly creates emotional bonds. For a man and woman who are committed to each other it is the icing on the cake. It is an expression of the love (commitment) they have for one another, but it is not love in and of itself.
By removing the sex act from our definition of love we are able to see clearly how we can have love for our brothers and sisters. Man to man. Woman to woman. We can see that to love them means being helpful, kind, generous and most importantly honest even when it means placing ourselves in a position of vulnerability. In the position of being rejected, judged or condemned. When necessary, to give tough love.
There are many misconceptions (lies) that are perpetuated about love. One of the most devastating is that you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.
This lie is meant to hinder or completely stop us from expressing love.
Love by its’ very nature is a reward unto itself. We surely love ourselves when we love others. When you couple true humility with love, the act of loving becomes recompense in and of itself.
The surest way to enjoy the fruit of love is in the giving of it.
The human being is meant to continually experience growth. When there is no growth, unhappiness and stagnation follow which leads to decay and death. As you love others, experiencing the benefit of self-love, you will then begin to discover an energy, a drive to experience more and more the wonderful things life has to offer, this promotes and enhances growth.
LOVE THE ESSENCE OF GROWTH
We know how self-obsession has led to a life of misery and pain. Most of us have experienced being loved in wonderful ways but still finding that there was an emptiness within us that could not be explained. The truth is that regardless of how much were loved by others that emptiness will remain until we learn to love others.
Happiness and a sense of well being does’ not come in being loved. Rather it comes in loving.
WHEN WE TRULY LOVE SOMEONE WE DISPLAY
Patience
Kindness
Generosity
Understanding
Trust
Hope
Honesty
Perseverance
Gratitude
We cannot run out of love to give. Once you begin the practice of loving you will find that it is like a river. It cannot be depleted. The more you give, the more you will find you have to give.
Again, as we give love we begin to experience a life wonderful, full and joyous.
Remember that love is a sharing and a giving, quite the opposite of self-obsession. It is reasonable and logical to conclude that the results will be exactly the opposite as well.
NOWNESS
In all of life you will find no one who is successful or
content who has not mastered the art of nowness.
~~~~~
This moment is what you have. There is no other time that matters. The choices you make here & now, in this present moment determines each and every moment that will follow.
This moment in time is like a brick in the foundation of the rest of your life. If you are going to have the life you desire then you must give 100% of your attention & energy to this exact moment in time. This may sound obvious, or easy to accomplish but it is incredibly
difficult requiring diligent effort & awareness.
Our past disappointments & hurts coupled with our fears based on these past experiences cloud our ability to clearly interpret the present, they create a fear of all that is to come which also confuse our interpretations of the now.
As long as the past circumstances that have caused us pain remain unresolved we will be bound to the fear they have created, our choices will be dictated by past failures, the unpleasantness of scorn, abuse, judgment & condemnation that we have experienced.
In order to become practiced in the art of now-ness which allows us to clearly focus & interpret the moment we are in requires that we face our demons. We must learn to live in forgiveness, it is the only anti-toxin to the poison of bitterness & resentment that is reflected in the present.
Recognizing that it is interaction with others that has caused the scars creating a veil through which it is impossible to see through clearly, gives us the direction towards which we must focus our forgiveness.
We must forgive those who have hurt, disappointed, rejected, neglected, or abused. Leo Buscaglia said "Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love." They also keep you out of the now, anchored to the pain of yesterday & the fear of tomorrow. We must also forgive ourselves; guilt and shame act like anchors weighing us down to another time and place.
Live in the now, develop the consciousness of nowness. Let nothing deter you from this endeavor, it is the pathway to oneness with God, the world, & inner peace.
Visit David Lee Byrd
7.06.2009
6.13.2009
Meditation on Being
Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going?
The very act of asking the questions implies an uncertainty. The baby discovers its fingers, its toes, the mother’s breast, her eyes, a rattle. Feels wet, cold, warm, safe. One baby grows to accept these strange things, these variations in physical comfort, and another baby questions. When does the baby begin to question?
I am still the baby, still fascinated by each new discovery in the world around me, still full of questions about their origin, my origin. The Indigo Girls sing, “The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.” I sing along, though the picture I have in my mind when I come to that line is that of a woman (is it sometimes me?) who responds to the question, “How are you doing?” through clenched teeth: “I’m FINE.”
That simple three-degree shift.
***
G.K. came up a bit ago with the binoculars and told me to look out at Cassady in the yard. She had a baby robin, alive and unhurt (must have fallen out of the nest) between her paws, dancing around it, trying to entice it to play. Two adult robins were trying to distract her without success. I didn't know what to do. Finally, I put my shoes on and opened the door—only to have her grab the bird and take off towards the willow tree. She probably thought I came to take the bird from her (and she'd be right). I let her go. I don't feel good about it, but I just let her go. George comforted me, told me, "It's nature. You couldn't have gotten it back to the nest, anyway." And he's right. To rescue the baby bird may have eased my conscience for the moment, but in another way, it's a sort of denial of the cycle of nature. Turn, turn, turn.
***
My prayers are often wordless. My concept of a Higher Power shifts as my consciousness shifts. There are times when I need an anthropomorphic god, a parent figure, though I do shy away from using pronouns. Occasionally, I’ll slip into the masculine pronoun, primarily out of habit. The masculine is all that’s used in my Big Book and I grew up in the Christian church, so the idea of a Heavenly Father is easy, though not always comfortable. The feminine pronoun makes sense—a Mother that’s given birth to All. But mostly, I think in dualities, and with the exception of some microscopic organisms and, I think, some worms, that which has a heartbeat needs both mother and father to join together in its creation. I don’t like It, as “It” is not specific, though…how can I be specific about something beyond the reaches of my human comprehension? I can’t be specific on the process of getting gas from the pump into the tank of my car, but I still swipe my card and manage to get the needle to read “full” again.
My prayers are often wordless because, most of the time, I’m trying merely to align myself with something. I really don’t see accidents in the world, so I assume that I’m not one, that I have a Purpose, and also that I have a will that can stomp its feet and refuse to fulfill that Purpose. Aligning myself is Harmony, vibrating at just the right frequency meant for me, and when I come upon others vibrating at their proper frequency, cool stuff happens. I follow signs. I find the right human words. I sense peace that may or may not be reflected in the world around me.
So, wordless prayer can be as simple as taking a full cup of coffee to the porch, sitting down in my rocking chair, and allowing myself to breathe for a while. Meditation follows. I open myself to that which is before me, inside me, and around me. At times, I’m inspired to get up and move, and at other times, company comes to call, and I’m encouraged to sit, to be still.
***
A couple of summers ago, my cats caught and killed a cardinal in my front yard. I was devastated. I put out seed for the birds, luring them in so that I could enjoy them, and my cats, my pets, killed one of them. Only months before, I’d given up meat in protest that everything lives to eat or be eaten, and here I was, providing the bait and the instrument of death. I wrote an essay about wanting to put bells around my cats’ necks. In the end, I didn’t do it. The reasons were several. First of all, my cats aren’t that great when it comes to hunting birds. I feed them too well and their predatory nature is dulled, I think, because of it. Secondly, just because I have altered my place in the food chain doesn’t mean that I should dictate the place of others under my influence. There’s also the fact that I live surrounded by both farmlands and woodlands, and if my cats want to wander and hunt, they don’t need me to lure in their prey. Maybe bells would make them less efficient, but as I said, they don’t do so hot without the bells anyway. That sounds like a cop-out, but…
There were more reasons, but I don’t remember them anymore. The point is, I only ever saw my domesticated cats as having the potential to harm those other creatures in the wild. My dog? This harmless Border collie? I really don’t think Cassady meant to harm the bird. She tries herding them all the time, which is hilarious to watch. She will watch a bird and follow, jumping all the way, when it takes flight. She’ll follow it from the evergreens in the front yard to the fruit trees in the back yard. Until a couple of days ago, she’d never caught one. And once she had it, just like her plastic Folgers can that she chases around the yard, catching it on the tip of her nose and flipping it up in the air, she wouldn’t let anyone take her toy.
I can watch a news report about lives lost in a hurricane or a tornado and accept that some things just happen. I feel badly, and I say a prayer for the families and friends left behind to grieve. I pray that if energy continues to exist once a living thing dies that the energy gets a better break next time around. I don’t blame it on God. I believe somehow it will become part of the Plan, that there is a Purpose in the action and in the consequences.
I’ll think about that baby robin again, and again, I’m sure, just as I thought about the cardinal of several summers ago. Maybe I’ll even come to some sort of understanding, or I’ll write a poem in its honor. To everything, there is a season.
***
Through step eleven, I get the privilege of remaining in a childlike state of wonder and, some would say, childlike faith. I don’t have to be jaded and cynical anymore because I don’t have to insist that I know the truth—though I’ve discovered many truths. One of those truths is that there isn’t—or needn’t be—any waste in the human experience. I pray only for God’s will for me and the power to carry it out, and sometimes, I’m totally clueless when I take a look at what’s before me. I can spend a whole lot of energy fighting against it, throwing tantrums, or I can use that power—that god-given power—to put one foot in front of the other. It’s much easier to accept God’s will when the result of the action is “success,” and not always so easy to accept when the result is not so easily categorized. Harder still when I slap a “failure” label on it. Wasted? No. If, down the road, the reason doesn’t become clear, then I have a lesson, something more for the experience bag.
Up next: “Bad isn’t always bad.”
Peace & Love,
Jody K.
The very act of asking the questions implies an uncertainty. The baby discovers its fingers, its toes, the mother’s breast, her eyes, a rattle. Feels wet, cold, warm, safe. One baby grows to accept these strange things, these variations in physical comfort, and another baby questions. When does the baby begin to question?
I am still the baby, still fascinated by each new discovery in the world around me, still full of questions about their origin, my origin. The Indigo Girls sing, “The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.” I sing along, though the picture I have in my mind when I come to that line is that of a woman (is it sometimes me?) who responds to the question, “How are you doing?” through clenched teeth: “I’m FINE.”
That simple three-degree shift.
***
G.K. came up a bit ago with the binoculars and told me to look out at Cassady in the yard. She had a baby robin, alive and unhurt (must have fallen out of the nest) between her paws, dancing around it, trying to entice it to play. Two adult robins were trying to distract her without success. I didn't know what to do. Finally, I put my shoes on and opened the door—only to have her grab the bird and take off towards the willow tree. She probably thought I came to take the bird from her (and she'd be right). I let her go. I don't feel good about it, but I just let her go. George comforted me, told me, "It's nature. You couldn't have gotten it back to the nest, anyway." And he's right. To rescue the baby bird may have eased my conscience for the moment, but in another way, it's a sort of denial of the cycle of nature. Turn, turn, turn.
***
My prayers are often wordless. My concept of a Higher Power shifts as my consciousness shifts. There are times when I need an anthropomorphic god, a parent figure, though I do shy away from using pronouns. Occasionally, I’ll slip into the masculine pronoun, primarily out of habit. The masculine is all that’s used in my Big Book and I grew up in the Christian church, so the idea of a Heavenly Father is easy, though not always comfortable. The feminine pronoun makes sense—a Mother that’s given birth to All. But mostly, I think in dualities, and with the exception of some microscopic organisms and, I think, some worms, that which has a heartbeat needs both mother and father to join together in its creation. I don’t like It, as “It” is not specific, though…how can I be specific about something beyond the reaches of my human comprehension? I can’t be specific on the process of getting gas from the pump into the tank of my car, but I still swipe my card and manage to get the needle to read “full” again.
My prayers are often wordless because, most of the time, I’m trying merely to align myself with something. I really don’t see accidents in the world, so I assume that I’m not one, that I have a Purpose, and also that I have a will that can stomp its feet and refuse to fulfill that Purpose. Aligning myself is Harmony, vibrating at just the right frequency meant for me, and when I come upon others vibrating at their proper frequency, cool stuff happens. I follow signs. I find the right human words. I sense peace that may or may not be reflected in the world around me.
So, wordless prayer can be as simple as taking a full cup of coffee to the porch, sitting down in my rocking chair, and allowing myself to breathe for a while. Meditation follows. I open myself to that which is before me, inside me, and around me. At times, I’m inspired to get up and move, and at other times, company comes to call, and I’m encouraged to sit, to be still.
***
A couple of summers ago, my cats caught and killed a cardinal in my front yard. I was devastated. I put out seed for the birds, luring them in so that I could enjoy them, and my cats, my pets, killed one of them. Only months before, I’d given up meat in protest that everything lives to eat or be eaten, and here I was, providing the bait and the instrument of death. I wrote an essay about wanting to put bells around my cats’ necks. In the end, I didn’t do it. The reasons were several. First of all, my cats aren’t that great when it comes to hunting birds. I feed them too well and their predatory nature is dulled, I think, because of it. Secondly, just because I have altered my place in the food chain doesn’t mean that I should dictate the place of others under my influence. There’s also the fact that I live surrounded by both farmlands and woodlands, and if my cats want to wander and hunt, they don’t need me to lure in their prey. Maybe bells would make them less efficient, but as I said, they don’t do so hot without the bells anyway. That sounds like a cop-out, but…
There were more reasons, but I don’t remember them anymore. The point is, I only ever saw my domesticated cats as having the potential to harm those other creatures in the wild. My dog? This harmless Border collie? I really don’t think Cassady meant to harm the bird. She tries herding them all the time, which is hilarious to watch. She will watch a bird and follow, jumping all the way, when it takes flight. She’ll follow it from the evergreens in the front yard to the fruit trees in the back yard. Until a couple of days ago, she’d never caught one. And once she had it, just like her plastic Folgers can that she chases around the yard, catching it on the tip of her nose and flipping it up in the air, she wouldn’t let anyone take her toy.
I can watch a news report about lives lost in a hurricane or a tornado and accept that some things just happen. I feel badly, and I say a prayer for the families and friends left behind to grieve. I pray that if energy continues to exist once a living thing dies that the energy gets a better break next time around. I don’t blame it on God. I believe somehow it will become part of the Plan, that there is a Purpose in the action and in the consequences.
I’ll think about that baby robin again, and again, I’m sure, just as I thought about the cardinal of several summers ago. Maybe I’ll even come to some sort of understanding, or I’ll write a poem in its honor. To everything, there is a season.
***
Through step eleven, I get the privilege of remaining in a childlike state of wonder and, some would say, childlike faith. I don’t have to be jaded and cynical anymore because I don’t have to insist that I know the truth—though I’ve discovered many truths. One of those truths is that there isn’t—or needn’t be—any waste in the human experience. I pray only for God’s will for me and the power to carry it out, and sometimes, I’m totally clueless when I take a look at what’s before me. I can spend a whole lot of energy fighting against it, throwing tantrums, or I can use that power—that god-given power—to put one foot in front of the other. It’s much easier to accept God’s will when the result of the action is “success,” and not always so easy to accept when the result is not so easily categorized. Harder still when I slap a “failure” label on it. Wasted? No. If, down the road, the reason doesn’t become clear, then I have a lesson, something more for the experience bag.
Up next: “Bad isn’t always bad.”
Peace & Love,
Jody K.
6.05.2009
Following the Signs
“…praying only for God’s will for me and the power to carry it out.”
I’ve accomplished a lot of things in the short time (six and a half years) that I’ve been sober. I learned to walk again, I learned to be a good mom again, I met a man, fell in love and got married again. I’ve participated in the family garden and slowly and steadily preserved more and more of the yield each year. I went back to school and earned a baccalaureate degree. I’ve been accepted to graduate studies, earned a “full ride,” found a part-time home in a city two hours from home, have become a college instructor, have seen a number of my essays published. Each year, I’ve looked back in amazement at the changes, the forward progress I can see and wonder – how’d that happen?
In recent conversation with a lovely woman named Maryanne, we discussed the concept of following the signs. The twelve steps provide the path to recovery, and the text of Alcoholics Anonymous provides clear-cut directions to following that path. We came to the conclusion that in following those directions, our primary job is being conscious of the signs along the way. I can plan to visit a town a few hours from here and have an address in front of me, but without directions, I’m likely to have some difficulty getting there – even if, say, I know the town is to the southwest. I can head in that general direction, though I’m likely to find myself frustrated, taking wrong turns, backtracking, and not making near the forward progress that I would if I had directions in hand.
But even with directions, I’m going to have to stay alert to road signs. I once heard Father Joe Martin talk about putting God in the driver’s seat. He said, “Don’t do that! You’ll crash!” Instead, he suggested, let God provide the map!
During my active addiction, everything seemed so hard. I was the quintessential quitter. I’d get so far along in something, find myself at what appeared to be a dead end, and I’d quit. I wouldn’t ask for help. I definitely wouldn’t pray for help. If I couldn’t bulldoze my way through something, I just quit. Working the twelve steps with a sponsor is truly the first action that I’ve begun and saw through to the end. Each time I would complete “formal” step work, my sponsor would say to me, “Now, put that step into your life.”
Somewhere along the line, I began praying a very simple prayer in the mornings. “God, guide my thoughts and actions. Please make me useful today.” And up pop the signs. All I really have to do is to follow along. Like what happened this past week when I took my car in for service.
I took a book along because I was told when I made the appointment that it would take an hour for the repairs. When I got there, I was told it would be more likely a two-hour wait. The service manager gave me directions to a nearby trendy coffee shop – plush sofas, classical music piped in, and over-priced but very good fare. While I sat curled on one of the sofas, reading my book, nibbling my berry-mango coffee cake and sipping my caramel latte, a young man and woman came in and set up a chess board on a table nearby. The young woman was very soft spoken. Her voice didn’t carry to where I was sitting, but the young man’s did. He took out a cell phone, and over the course of the next few minutes, I couldn’t help but hear him talking to someone at the Salvation Army. It quickly became clear that he was calling asking to be admitted to their drug and alcohol rehabilitation program. I started to pray. Was I to stop and talk with him? I wasn’t sure. I did overhear him say, “Yes, I tried AA, but it didn’t work out.” What did that mean? Would my presence be intrusive? Again, I prayed, and when I got up to leave, he and his companion were in deep conversation. It seemed intrusive to interrupt, so I said another prayer for him and I left…
…just in time to see an AA friend, Sam, sitting at the café tables outside the coffee shop. I caught him just as he was getting up to leave, and when he saw me, he sat back down and we visited for a bit – mostly small talk. We discussed fancy coffee drinks, and I told him that my husband really liked the Dairy Queen Mocha Moolatte, though he hated ordering it because he felt it was such a frivolous, juvenile sort of name. He felt undignified asking for it. Sam told me about his new scooter that gets upwards of ninety miles per gallon. I looked at my watch, realized my car was probably finished, and we said goodbye.
I don’t know if I’ve ever gotten out of a doctor’s office or a car dealership in what I’d consider a reasonable amount of time (patience is a virtue I have only sporadically), though this day, I was pleasantly surprised to find my car finished just a few minutes after I walked in. I kept thinking about the young man in the coffee shop and meeting my friend, Sam, outside. I don’t believe in coincidences anymore, so for the first ten minutes of my hour drive, I was meditating on the significance. I recalled the last time I’d seen Sam, a little over a week before. I traveled to a meeting that was along my route home to see a young woman I’d recently begun sponsoring. She’s been through some struggles. After the meeting, I followed her part-way home and remembered where she’d turned. When she came to visit me at my house so we could do some step work, she mentioned the name of the road she lived on—five miles, did she say, off the main road? I hadn’t heard from her in a few days, and there wasn’t much cell phone reception along that country road (and, besides, I don’t like to make calls when I’m driving). Could I stop in? Supposing, of course, that I could find her?
That little voice was whispering in my ear, telling me she was a country girl like me and wouldn’t stand on ceremony when it came to a drop-in visit, so I decided to give it a shot. I passed a lot of side roads, all marked, and none with the name of her road. Finally, nearly five miles out, I thought I saw her truck along the road next to a field with some horses. She has horses. I slowed. A blonde came around the back of the truck. She’s blonde! But…the woman was much too young to be her. I drove several more miles, looking for a place to turn around, and there it was – her road. Go left or go right? I chose right. I passed one house, then another, then another, and then – there she was. Standing beside a ’69 Chevelle (she told me she was looking to buy one) was my sponsee and another fellow from the rooms, a guy tattooed up both arms and known for his mechanical skills. She turned her head when she saw me pull off the road, and her eyes were big as saucers.
Now, she didn’t know I was coming. Turns out she’d called our mutual mechanic friend a few days ago, and he, too, stopped on a whim to look over her new purchase. When I got out of the car, she said, “Okay, okay. I slipped!” She assumed that I’d conspired with the mechanic to show up and 12th step her—and of course, that’s what we did once she fessed up.
There’s more to the story, but it’s that sequence of events that’s important to this little essay. I wake up most mornings having no idea what God has in store for me, though I’ve come to the conclusion that if I listen and follow signs, I’ll fall in step with God’s will for me. And I’ll be given the power to carry it out – in time, resources, inspiration, or whatever else I might need. I’ve come to count on that.
Oh – there is one teensy little thing I have to add. When I got home, my husband’s vehicle was missing, as was the “kid car” that my middle son uses for work. I found no note, which was unusual. I put on a pot of coffee and sat down to wait, and within a few minutes, my husband pulled in with our son in the passenger’s seat. The young one had somehow broken the key to the car, and the spares had mysteriously disappeared. But, my husband was in a jovial mood—which was also a little strange, as we’d been having responsibility issues with all of the kids (not just this one). After telling me what had happened, he turned to our son and said, “This is what saved you from my wrath today,” and he played a saved message on the answering machine. It was our friend, Sam, calling just to let my husband know he was sitting at Dairy Queen drinking a MOO latte. “I was in such a good mood after I heard that, I couldn’t be angry with you.”
I don’t ask, “Is it odd, or is it God?” anymore. I know :-D
Peace & Love,
Jody K.
I’ve accomplished a lot of things in the short time (six and a half years) that I’ve been sober. I learned to walk again, I learned to be a good mom again, I met a man, fell in love and got married again. I’ve participated in the family garden and slowly and steadily preserved more and more of the yield each year. I went back to school and earned a baccalaureate degree. I’ve been accepted to graduate studies, earned a “full ride,” found a part-time home in a city two hours from home, have become a college instructor, have seen a number of my essays published. Each year, I’ve looked back in amazement at the changes, the forward progress I can see and wonder – how’d that happen?
In recent conversation with a lovely woman named Maryanne, we discussed the concept of following the signs. The twelve steps provide the path to recovery, and the text of Alcoholics Anonymous provides clear-cut directions to following that path. We came to the conclusion that in following those directions, our primary job is being conscious of the signs along the way. I can plan to visit a town a few hours from here and have an address in front of me, but without directions, I’m likely to have some difficulty getting there – even if, say, I know the town is to the southwest. I can head in that general direction, though I’m likely to find myself frustrated, taking wrong turns, backtracking, and not making near the forward progress that I would if I had directions in hand.
But even with directions, I’m going to have to stay alert to road signs. I once heard Father Joe Martin talk about putting God in the driver’s seat. He said, “Don’t do that! You’ll crash!” Instead, he suggested, let God provide the map!
During my active addiction, everything seemed so hard. I was the quintessential quitter. I’d get so far along in something, find myself at what appeared to be a dead end, and I’d quit. I wouldn’t ask for help. I definitely wouldn’t pray for help. If I couldn’t bulldoze my way through something, I just quit. Working the twelve steps with a sponsor is truly the first action that I’ve begun and saw through to the end. Each time I would complete “formal” step work, my sponsor would say to me, “Now, put that step into your life.”
Somewhere along the line, I began praying a very simple prayer in the mornings. “God, guide my thoughts and actions. Please make me useful today.” And up pop the signs. All I really have to do is to follow along. Like what happened this past week when I took my car in for service.
I took a book along because I was told when I made the appointment that it would take an hour for the repairs. When I got there, I was told it would be more likely a two-hour wait. The service manager gave me directions to a nearby trendy coffee shop – plush sofas, classical music piped in, and over-priced but very good fare. While I sat curled on one of the sofas, reading my book, nibbling my berry-mango coffee cake and sipping my caramel latte, a young man and woman came in and set up a chess board on a table nearby. The young woman was very soft spoken. Her voice didn’t carry to where I was sitting, but the young man’s did. He took out a cell phone, and over the course of the next few minutes, I couldn’t help but hear him talking to someone at the Salvation Army. It quickly became clear that he was calling asking to be admitted to their drug and alcohol rehabilitation program. I started to pray. Was I to stop and talk with him? I wasn’t sure. I did overhear him say, “Yes, I tried AA, but it didn’t work out.” What did that mean? Would my presence be intrusive? Again, I prayed, and when I got up to leave, he and his companion were in deep conversation. It seemed intrusive to interrupt, so I said another prayer for him and I left…
…just in time to see an AA friend, Sam, sitting at the café tables outside the coffee shop. I caught him just as he was getting up to leave, and when he saw me, he sat back down and we visited for a bit – mostly small talk. We discussed fancy coffee drinks, and I told him that my husband really liked the Dairy Queen Mocha Moolatte, though he hated ordering it because he felt it was such a frivolous, juvenile sort of name. He felt undignified asking for it. Sam told me about his new scooter that gets upwards of ninety miles per gallon. I looked at my watch, realized my car was probably finished, and we said goodbye.
I don’t know if I’ve ever gotten out of a doctor’s office or a car dealership in what I’d consider a reasonable amount of time (patience is a virtue I have only sporadically), though this day, I was pleasantly surprised to find my car finished just a few minutes after I walked in. I kept thinking about the young man in the coffee shop and meeting my friend, Sam, outside. I don’t believe in coincidences anymore, so for the first ten minutes of my hour drive, I was meditating on the significance. I recalled the last time I’d seen Sam, a little over a week before. I traveled to a meeting that was along my route home to see a young woman I’d recently begun sponsoring. She’s been through some struggles. After the meeting, I followed her part-way home and remembered where she’d turned. When she came to visit me at my house so we could do some step work, she mentioned the name of the road she lived on—five miles, did she say, off the main road? I hadn’t heard from her in a few days, and there wasn’t much cell phone reception along that country road (and, besides, I don’t like to make calls when I’m driving). Could I stop in? Supposing, of course, that I could find her?
That little voice was whispering in my ear, telling me she was a country girl like me and wouldn’t stand on ceremony when it came to a drop-in visit, so I decided to give it a shot. I passed a lot of side roads, all marked, and none with the name of her road. Finally, nearly five miles out, I thought I saw her truck along the road next to a field with some horses. She has horses. I slowed. A blonde came around the back of the truck. She’s blonde! But…the woman was much too young to be her. I drove several more miles, looking for a place to turn around, and there it was – her road. Go left or go right? I chose right. I passed one house, then another, then another, and then – there she was. Standing beside a ’69 Chevelle (she told me she was looking to buy one) was my sponsee and another fellow from the rooms, a guy tattooed up both arms and known for his mechanical skills. She turned her head when she saw me pull off the road, and her eyes were big as saucers.
Now, she didn’t know I was coming. Turns out she’d called our mutual mechanic friend a few days ago, and he, too, stopped on a whim to look over her new purchase. When I got out of the car, she said, “Okay, okay. I slipped!” She assumed that I’d conspired with the mechanic to show up and 12th step her—and of course, that’s what we did once she fessed up.
There’s more to the story, but it’s that sequence of events that’s important to this little essay. I wake up most mornings having no idea what God has in store for me, though I’ve come to the conclusion that if I listen and follow signs, I’ll fall in step with God’s will for me. And I’ll be given the power to carry it out – in time, resources, inspiration, or whatever else I might need. I’ve come to count on that.
Oh – there is one teensy little thing I have to add. When I got home, my husband’s vehicle was missing, as was the “kid car” that my middle son uses for work. I found no note, which was unusual. I put on a pot of coffee and sat down to wait, and within a few minutes, my husband pulled in with our son in the passenger’s seat. The young one had somehow broken the key to the car, and the spares had mysteriously disappeared. But, my husband was in a jovial mood—which was also a little strange, as we’d been having responsibility issues with all of the kids (not just this one). After telling me what had happened, he turned to our son and said, “This is what saved you from my wrath today,” and he played a saved message on the answering machine. It was our friend, Sam, calling just to let my husband know he was sitting at Dairy Queen drinking a MOO latte. “I was in such a good mood after I heard that, I couldn’t be angry with you.”
I don’t ask, “Is it odd, or is it God?” anymore. I know :-D
Peace & Love,
Jody K.
6.01.2009
Beginnings of Prayer in Recovery
My sobriety began the morning of October 28th, 2002, when the nurse tore the fentanyl patch from my arm. I had spent twenty-three of the previous forty-eight hours under suicide watch in a wing of a local hospital which refused my requests to help me detox. They were not equipped, nor did they have the staff, to detoxify a broken body like mine. I had been wheelchair bound for almost two years. Although the patch was not keeping me from being sick, it continued to tease my addiction by delivering a slow and steady dose of poison to my system. I am an alcoholic and a drug addict, both one and the same in cause, though some still make a distinction because of the presenting symptoms. Whatever the symptoms of alcoholism, whatever the symptoms of drug addiction, I had them all and I was dying.
When my moment of clarity arrived, I wanted so desperately for release, and at every turn, I encountered resistance. I was told that there was not a handicapped-accessible detox facility in my entire state. I finally threatened to kill myself if someone wouldn’t help me. I could no longer live with the symptoms of my addiction, and I could find no one who was willing to help me try to live without them. The nurse who removed the patch from my arm was a psychiatric nurse. I was involuntarily committed to a behavioral health ward. My journey had begun.
Seven days later, I was transferred to a twenty-eight day facility where I was immersed in Twelve Step philosophy. At my very first meeting, I was given the directive to pray. A woman knelt down to my level and told me, “All you need to begin prayer are five words: please help me and thank you.”
By my third week of rehab, my fourth clean and sober, my emotions were as raw as my injured nervous system. I was in pain, emotionally, mentally and physically. I prayed the words but felt nothing. Finally, on Thanksgiving Day, after sharing a meal with my rehab cohort, the nurses and aides on the floor, and the remainder of the bare-bones staff who had drawn the short straw for the holiday, I returned to my room to feel sorry for myself. I had asked that my family not come to see me, in part because it was winter and so far away from my home, but more so because I wanted them to see a dramatic difference between my departure and my return, not dribs and drabs of progress from week to week. I beat myself up for not begging them to come to see me, and I beat myself up more for wanting to inconvenience them for my actions. Just for good measure, I also beat myself for not making more rapid progress.
I sat in my room, facing the institutional gray wall, talking to a God I wasn’t sure existed and if he/she/it did, would be interested in anything I had to say. I had no conception of God and I needed one. I recalled someone saying, almost in jest, that a HP can be a tree if that’s what worked. Slumped, I began to think about it. I thought of the giant sequoias that had entire ecosystems growing high up in their branches, far from sight, but there nonetheless. I wheeled around to my lone window searching the skyline, but all I could see were the brick walls of the wing across from me. In desperation, I pulled myself closer to the window, to the far right side and craned my neck. There above the concrete buildings was the very tip of an evergreen swaying slightly in the breeze. My eyes were wet for the first time since the morning that fentanyl patch was removed. My heart, hardened by the pain, softened just enough to let the miracle of nature in, and I felt something. The tree was not my Higher Power, but the Creator of the tree was. The Creator of the tree created me as well, and if that tree had a Purpose for being there, then I, too, must have a reason for Being. That’s all I needed.
That night, the topic at the meeting was Gratitude. I raised my hand to share, wheeled my way in front of the podium, and said, for the first time, I’m grateful to be alive. I meant it.
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