5.10.2010

Asking for Help

I just read four different installments on Step 11 from my One Day At A Time/Al-Anon Daily Meditation book.

To this day I don't think I have attended an Al-Anon meeting, but I do cherish this book.

Some of the nuggets I was able to mine from these passages were:

  • The battle of concentration vs. stray thoughts...
  • The constant maintenance to weed our resentments and fear...
  • Being aware of the Great Power available to us...

Awareness is a tough one.

Being aware of my own thought patterns can be very difficult. I find it easy to "see" other peoples "issues"; yet I cannot seem to manage my own. I hate asking for help. Why? I guess it's ego combined with a little shame. So, how do I overcome this?

Practice, practice, practice. I need to ask for help EVERYDAY. Another cool line I was able to extract from the Al-Anon book was: " I will accept HIS help in EVERYTHING I do."

Why do I need to feel pain before I am motivated to do something? I love reading and meditating on different thoughts or concepts presented in readings. The Big Book, the Bible, motivational quotes etc.; there are SO MANY powerful words and sentences to choose from.

Just today I was feeling a little down. Monday blah? I don't know, so I decided to make a phone call to another "friend of Bill's". The simple act of calling another person, thinking of another person does wonders for my connection with GOD and man. All of a sudden I don't feel alone. A "spiritual prescription" that needs to taken everyday - as needed. Prayer to me is making a call to GOD. He is never busy and always listens.

Somehow in those quiet times (prayer + meditation) things become clearer. Seeking KNOWLEDGE and POWER... RECEIVE GUIDANCE for our decisions...

Lastly I had a strong message delivered in my readings tonight, in the form of a question:

"Ask myself whether I have been able to solve my problems without help?"

If I could do that they wouldn't be "problems" now would they?

I think I'll keep asking for help, one day at a time.

Peace,

JR

5.04.2010

Step 11 - Sought through Prayer and Meditation to IMPROVE our CONSCIOUS

That is a tall order. This April I celebrated my nineteenth sober anniversary, as I am writing this it's hard for me to fathom. In this moment (9:25PM a very pleasant 64 degrees - nice calm evening) writing a few thoughts about my life and experiences with meditation and prayer; I do feel close to my Higher Power.

I find myself seeking quiet time. On a typical weekday I'll get up around 5:00AM, start my coffee and wash any dishes in the sink. Since it's now May, the morning hours are filled with birds chirping and wonderful smells. Flowers, trees are bursting with a thousand shades of green. Walking the dog and doing dishes are a nice way to ease into the day.

From there I'll pour my first cup of Joe and gather my daily meditation books. I have five that I attempt to read everyday; one of the nicest things about where I am in my life is my patience for myself has grown. GOD has taught me again and again there is no hurry. AA has taught me
that nothing is set in stone.

On a really good morning I'll set aside 15 minutes for real eye closed meditation. My favorite scenario is to keep the lights off and light a few candles. For reading I use a solar powered desk lamp that somehow feels quieter. I read somewhere that the quietest part of the day is where the night meets the day. There is something there. I feel the same something @ meetings or when I am talking to another AA on the phone, or if I'm able to think about someone else and actually care about them.

Words very often fail me. I am so grateful to be sober and realize how lucky I am to be in this moment, enjoying the process of writing and reflecting on my ever growing experiences in seeking God's will for me. I know for sure his will is that I stay sober.

In my office I have a collection of crosses and crucifixes that I began collecting a few years ago. Do they make me feel holy, not really; but again there is something about them. There are so many different shapes and sizes, materials used places they have been gathered from... it's
like my re-charge zone. I feel safe in my home. I feel close to GOD and my family in my home. My wife taught me years ago that THIS IS WHAT MATTERS... friends and family.

I have so many books, prayers, beads, cards and I never seem to have enough. For thousands of years people have been praying and seeking. Why? What is it that drives people for answers or guidance or strength? My mother has prayed for me for years. I pray for her and my sister as
well as those I resent, those who are sick or who are struggling to get sober or who are just plain out there.

Another huge gift in my life is my church. To be a part of a community that accepts everyone and allows everyone to be themselves is a rare situation for me; or perhaps I am accepting myself and therefore accept others? It doesn't really matter. A few years ago I took my dog for a walk and my pastor, ( who lives on our block ) stopped me and asked me if I'd be interested in helping out the church's youth group. Well I did and have just committed to staying on for a third year. To be connected to young people in a church setting is amazing. I feel GOD through them, I am getting to relive some of my struggles through them and feel honored to be entrusted to help guide them. More importantly just be there.

Maybe that's the real trick in life. Just be wherever I am. No more running, hiding, pretending... just be.

All the best,

John R.