Light of the Spirit

Yesterday I had a series of thoughts and emotions well up while at church. My 14 year-old son has just joined the choir and this made me think of my father. Richard James Rebbeck passed away on December 26, 2007 and I miss him very much. My dad and mom both participated in our church choir for over 30 years. Being immersed in a spiritual family can be a powerful and moving experience. I felt GOD amongst the congregation.

Attending mass has been a vehicle that allows me to get closer to my Higher Power. The “routine” of the service can easily be compared to a meditation. Singing, reciting prayers and even silent group prayers are all mixed together in a wonderful spiritual event. I have never been a “bible thumper” but recently I've found myself attracted more and more to its stories and teachings. A longing is present within me; and at different time’s increases in intensity and importance.

My favorite time of the day is between 5:00 and 6:00A.M.; it is usually very quiet and peaceful. Recently I've found myself wanting to write during these waking minutes. My meditation process is always evolving. The Big Book mentions that “we become much more”… I love that. We are becoming much more, everyday I am without a drink or a drug I feel is growth.

Sitting in my home office I am surrounded by images of family, symbols of faith, and words of encouragement... This too is my “church”. Breathing in and breathing out I practice remembering. Remembering how lucky I am; how grateful I am. My son asked me if I had any books on meditation the other night, boy do I! So many books, so many options on the how and how to… One I found and read recently suggested getting quiet, closing my eyes and focusing on the “Light of the Spirit” in my heart.

This A.M. I feel that Spirit in my heart. I love being sober and open to growth. I would like to wish everyone a full heart today. May the Grace of God enter your lives and allow you to feel loved and to share that love with those around you… He is here amongst us.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

“Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.”

What comes before “then?” How can I/we accomplish this noble gesture?

In the past couple of weeks I have been in transition at work. It is amazing how “comfortable” we can get in our routines. Simply put, my job description has changed and I am no longer a “manager” and am now just a sales guy. If I look at just the facts, it really is a good situation. My boss and company have decided I was in the wrong position and allowed me to return to my “old” position with the same salary.

So, I am getting paid as if I am a manager; but do not have the headaches that go along with this job. That is a win from my chair; but… my emotions have taken me on a ride that I am much too familiar with. “What will everyone think?” “I am a failure” “John didn’t have what it took” No one but the almighty “I” generated this negative chatter.

The domino effect is one negative thought leads to another and the next thing I know is my confidence is gone; I am splashing in a swamp of self-pity, moping around like a little baby wondering why I feel like ka-ka.

Meetings, meetings, meetings. That part of my routine has not changed. I also call other folks in recovery, and they call me, just about everyday. My expectation is/was that I “should not be effected” all I need to do is “snap out of it” and stop being a “baby”. Sheesh, I am tired just writing this stuff down!

The plus side is, THIS TOO SHALL PASS, is very real. Lo and behold I kept picking up the phone and talking. I kept picking up sponsees and taking them, and myself, to meetings. I opened up the Big Book early in the AM, before jumping on the computer, before checking for text messages, first thing. Page 84 just after the Promises is one of my favorite sections of the book. It tells me “WHEN” these negative emotions crop up… not “IF”, so I guess WE all have this challenge in some way. It also mentions what our FUNCTION is… to “grow in effectiveness and understanding” man that is a tall order.

You want me to grow? Why? That sounds like work! I, ME, MYSELF the SELF-SEEKER mentioned in Step Three is the trap. I am the enemy of me… But AA and GOD have brought me to a place where I can LOVE me, and thus allow me to TURN MY THOUGHTS to others. Without help I am done. My THOUGHT LIFE can be scary, funny, stuck, blank, sputtering or even an annoying hum.

How does this relate to my prayer / meditative life? Reading Step Eleven in the Big Book is a way I meditate. Keeping my eyes and ears open when walking or driving is a way I practice meditation. Watching a sparrow flit through the air and adeptly navigate through the branches of a tree amazes me… how do they do that without crashing? They inherently KNOW what to do. To be in awe of a sunrise or sunset, to notice the bare beginnings of buds on trees, it generates an anticipation of GOD’s power that will soon be on display. To me meditation is very simple; thinking about GOD, prayer is thanking him for what I have, and for what has been removed. Just as the shoots of spring emerge from the cold dark soil, I too have and continue to emerge from the darkness of my disease and reach for the power of GOD’s love.

(To be continued)
by John R.

What I Learned from John R.

My favorite line from John's Step 11 post is "GOD has taught me again and again there is no hurry. AA has taught me that nothing is set in stone." What a relief these concepts can bring to me at any given time.

From his post Asking for Help my favorite line is "Practice, practice, practice. I need to ask for help EVERYDAY." Boy does that sum things up for me. When I fall down I must pick myself up, brush off my knees and try again. Over and over and over. This is just how life is. I need to ask for help because I can forget and that is when some of those negative character defects can peek through.

So how can I make use of this information?

Slow and steady wins the race is what I take from both of these posts. I am making use of this post just by reading it. It is the reminder, the help I need to remember to practice, practice, practice. By reading and responding to this post my thinking is shifting and I am getting what I need to stay sober in this moment.

Thank you John for your contribution to IOCC!

Asking for Help

I just read four different installments on Step 11 from my One Day At A Time/Al-Anon Daily Meditation book.

To this day I don't think I have attended an Al-Anon meeting, but I do cherish this book.

Some of the nuggets I was able to mine from these passages were:

• The battle of concentration vs. stray thoughts...

• The constant maintenance to weed our resentments and fear...

• Being aware of the Great Power available to us...

Awareness is a tough one.

Being aware of my own thought patterns can be very difficult. I find it easy to "see" other peoples "issues"; yet I cannot seem to manage my own. I hate asking for help. Why? I guess it's ego combined with a little shame. So, how do I overcome this?

Practice, practice, practice. I need to ask for help EVERYDAY. Another cool line I was able to extract from the Al-Anon book was: " I will accept HIS help in EVERYTHING I do."

Why do I need to feel pain before I am motivated to do something? I love reading and meditating on different thoughts or concepts presented in readings. The Big Book, the Bible, motivational quotes etc.; there are SO MANY powerful words and sentences to choose from.

Just today I was feeling a little down. Monday blah? I don't know, so I decided to make a phone call to another "friend of Bill's". The simple act of calling another person, thinking of another person does wonders for my connection with GOD and man. All of a sudden I don't feel alone. A "spiritual prescription" that needs to taken everyday - as needed. Prayer to me is making a call to GOD. He is never busy and always listens.

Somehow in those quiet times (prayer + meditation) things become clearer. Seeking KNOWLEDGE and POWER... RECEIVE GUIDANCE for our decisions...

Lastly I had a strong message delivered in my readings tonight, in the form of a question:

"Ask myself whether I have been able to solve my problems without help?"

If I could do that they wouldn't be "problems" now would they?

I think I'll keep asking for help, one day at a time.

Peace,

JR

Step 11 - Sought through Prayer and Meditation to IMPROVE our CONSCIOUS

That is a tall order. This April I celebrated my nineteenth sober anniversary, as I am writing this it's hard for me to fathom. In this moment (9:25PM a very pleasant 64 degrees - nice calm evening) writing a few thoughts about my life and experiences with meditation and prayer; I do feel close to my Higher Power.

I find myself seeking quiet time. On a typical weekday I'll get up around 5:00AM, start my coffee and wash any dishes in the sink. Since it's now May, the morning hours are filled with birds chirping and wonderful smells. Flowers, trees are bursting with a thousand shades of green. Walking the dog and doing dishes are a nice way to ease into the day.

From there I'll pour my first cup of Joe and gather my daily meditation books. I have five that I attempt to read everyday; one of the nicest things about where I am in my life is my patience for myself has grown. GOD has taught me again and again there is no hurry. AA has taught me
that nothing is set in stone.

On a really good morning I'll set aside 15 minutes for real eye closed meditation. My favorite scenario is to keep the lights off and light a few candles. For reading I use a solar powered desk lamp that somehow feels quieter. I read somewhere that the quietest part of the day is where the night meets the day. There is something there. I feel the same something @ meetings or when I am talking to another AA on the phone, or if I'm able to think about someone else and actually care about them.

Words very often fail me. I am so grateful to be sober and realize how lucky I am to be in this moment, enjoying the process of writing and reflecting on my ever growing experiences in seeking God's will for me. I know for sure his will is that I stay sober.

In my office I have a collection of crosses and crucifixes that I began collecting a few years ago. Do they make me feel holy, not really; but again there is something about them. There are so many different shapes and sizes, materials used places they have been gathered from... it's
like my re-charge zone. I feel safe in my home. I feel close to GOD and my family in my home. My wife taught me years ago that THIS IS WHAT MATTERS... friends and family.

I have so many books, prayers, beads, cards and I never seem to have enough. For thousands of years people have been praying and seeking. Why? What is it that drives people for answers or guidance or strength? My mother has prayed for me for years. I pray for her and my sister as
well as those I resent, those who are sick or who are struggling to get sober or who are just plain out there.

Another huge gift in my life is my church. To be a part of a community that accepts everyone and allows everyone to be themselves is a rare situation for me; or perhaps I am accepting myself and therefore accept others? It doesn't really matter. A few years ago I took my dog for a walk and my pastor, ( who lives on our block ) stopped me and asked me if I'd be interested in helping out the church's youth group. Well I did and have just committed to staying on for a third year. To be connected to young people in a church setting is amazing. I feel GOD through them, I am getting to relive some of my struggles through them and feel honored to be entrusted to help guide them. More importantly just be there.

Maybe that's the real trick in life. Just be wherever I am. No more running, hiding, pretending... just be.

All the best,

John R.

What I Learned from John R.

Read John R.'s posts.

One of the things I like about John's post is the way he describes how he meditates. It is great sometimes to hear how other people do it.

The other part of John's post I really like is when he talks about how prayers pop up all around him "It's amazing if I am conscious of my surroundings how many prayers there are out there." I keyed in on "if I am conscious." First there is the level of consciousness sobriety brings. That is amazing! It is like the blinders have come off. Every thing seems brighter and clearer. Then there comes a deeper level of consciousness. This is what I am working on. To really be present in the moment as much as possible. It seems easy to be aware of my surroundings when I am taking a walk in a park, especially on a beautiful day. But when I am at work, in the store, at my sons school, in the post office, doing those day to day tasks that take up much of my time I have to ask... am I conscious of my surroundings? Not most of the time. I am in the doing mode. As John stated "practice, practice, practice."

I can make use of what John is offering by remembering to "practice, practice, practice" being conscious of my surroundings. I like that he lights a candle and sits quietly in the morning too, this is something else I can make use of.

Thank you John R.!