"All of us, without exception, pass through times when we can pray only with the greatest exertion of will."I have developed, over the course of my recovery, a way that a friend of mine describes as "walking in prayer." There are shades of it in the methods and instruction of many different religions, and to me, it's a simple alternating current (to borrow the electricity analogy from David below) whereby I am in a constant back and forth with my Higher Power. I have had long stretches of time where I felt peace and harmony following this way.
But I am human, and unlike the perfection of the Universe, I can step out of synch, lose that contact and have to exert my will in order to find the rhythm again. I don't always know at first that this has happened. I don't always know that I must take action to remedy this out-of-sorts feeling. Like a willful child, I can often misuse my will and stomp my feet, demand that my Higher Power, not me, adjust. Oh, what an awful feeling!
The first question that I ask when a sponsee shares troubles with me is, "Did you pray on it?" I have been blessed that those around me have tossed that same question back at me. Beyond the defensive, "Of course I have!" (I always consciously pray for others), I many times must admit that my prayers have strayed from asking for God's will for me. They have strayed from the humble asking and accepting of what I've recognized, for my own perceived good or ill, always to be right for me to the expecting and demanding of what I want, regardless of my motives. Then is the time to take a look at those things: am I so busy moving along that I have begun to anticipate the next wonderful thing, angry and frustrated when it's not happening the way I choose for it to happen? Am I misinterpreting my egotistical yearnings, pushing beyond human limits, and telling myself that "I am responsible for the effort," no matter what the Universe is trying to tell me? -- and then being resentful when I fail?
Life is incredibly good for me these days, both in my individual life and in the lives of many around me. Tonight, I have the privilege and the honor to present some awards to folks who have touched not only my life, but the lives of many, many people over the years. I found myself stressing at one point about giving these speeches, and I put off until the last moment preparing for them. I'm not quite sure when it occurred, but it ceased being about them and started to be about me and how I would be viewed in my role as presenter. I had a light bulb moment where I realized this, and it took a certain kind of surrender, a readjustment in my own steps, to get me back to that place of harmony. The funny thing is this: all I had to do was ask! Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Peace & Love,
Jody K.
